The Social Network – wildly overrated
NFL – work it out
Gadhafi – give it up
Charlie Sheen – keep it up
William and Kate – don’t care
Ciudad Juarez – enough with the murder
John Wall – Enough with the dancing. You look like an idiot.
Academy Awards – ehhh
Ronnie and Sammie – give it a rest
Miami Heat – I relish your struggles
American Idol – you have my attention
Brandon Davies – keep knockin’ boots
Subway – a pepperoni, meatball sub. Really?
Steve Carell – please don’t leave
Hangover 2 – you better be good
America – stop the dependency on oil
Tosh.O – pound for pound the funniest show on television
Sunday, March 6
Wednesday, February 16
My "Notebook"
“What’s my name?” “What did we have for dinner last night?” “When did get married?”
About four years ago I went an extended period of time without a vehicle. During this time I was able to watch many movies. I didn’t have cable at the time so movie watching was about the only thing I could do. I was able to get caught up on many movies I’ve always wanted to see. I was also able to watch many that I knew nothing about. It was during this time when I saw The Notebook.
The movie basically revolves around an epic love story between Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. If you see the cover of the DVD box you’ll get the gist of what I’m saying. The movie begins in present day with an old James Gardner visiting a nursing home to see an old female friend that has lost her faculties over the years. The female friend does not remember him. Gardner brings a “notebook” with him on his visit. The notebook tells the story of two young people that were very much in love and the trials and tribulations they go through over the years. A bulk majority of the movie follows the story that’s being told from the notebook. Periodically, they segue to present day where you can see an emotionally involved Gardner continuing to tell the story to his female friend. She seems to take delight in the story that’s being told as all of the details are new to her.
As the movie plays out you come to realize that James Gardner is the older, present day, Ryan Gosling and his female friend is the present day Rachel McAdams. I don’t recall what ailment befalls the present day McAdams but it is some form of dementia no doubt. You learn that Gardner comes to the hospital every day, and every day he is unrecognized. Every day he reads the story from the notebook hoping to jog the memory of his now vacant wife. He spends all day, every day. . . . day after day trying to restore the memory that now seems lost. By the end of the movie present day McAdams gets the twinkle in her eye as all of the memories come flooding back to her at once. It’s a day that Gardner thought was never possible, and he knew it needed to be cherished because tomorrow the memories would be gone and he would begin all over again with the story from the notebook.
Ladies, you can watch the movie if you want to see the sad ending.
Four years ago, I met my wife. Working together led to dating. Dating led to living together. Living together led to marriage and our budding family. For the past ten years my wife has been prone to unexplained seizures. Many doctors have been visited and various things have been ruled out. We think. The seizures are not a common occurrence. They happen about every six to eight months and always at night once we’re in bed. They happen just far enough apart to catch us off guard. She had another one last week.
If you want to truly reevaluate the priorities in your life sit and watch the person that you love more than anything convulse. Work, sports, hobbies, everything. . . . everything very quickly seems insignificant.
Knowing my wife will read this I just want to say that I know the level of fear and anxiety she feels about her seizures trumps mine. I can’t pretend to put myself in her shoes and know how she truly feels about this. All I can do is relay the experience and my feelings from my point of view.
I am awakened from a dead sleep with a violent shaking in the bed. My brain is now programmed to know what this means and I now spring out of sleep and to my feet within a second. Sometimes she will be scratching her leg or foot and the motion mimics that of a seizure. After deciphering this and she tells me everything is okay, we go back to sleep. When I see that her fists are clenched and curved inward I know a seizure has begun. The next sixty seconds provide the most helpless time I can imagine. You have to let the seizure play out. There’s no choice in this matter. Her eyes look like marbles as her pupils dilate to great portions and she stares blankly off into space. Her body shakes violently and she foams at the mouth. She is in a catatonic state for about a minute or so. It’s in these sixty seconds where life takes on new meaning.
Did I really get mad at her for being short with me earlier? When was the last time I said, “I love you?” Did I even hug her when I got home from work?
What can I do to help? Is there anything I can do to shorten this, to alleviate it in any way? Nothing. Not one damn thing.
Once the seizing stops she goes into an “unconscious” state. This is when I go back and forth in my head a hundred times, “Do I call an ambulance or not?” We’ve talked about this before and she’s told me specifically not to do it. She will come out of it. Still, it weighs on my mind. It’s usually during this time when her mom receives a 4AM text from me. I know she’s sleeping and won’t get it for another few hours but I’m just looking for some sort of lifeline at this point. The “unconscious” state lasts roughly ten to fifteen minutes. I think. Who cares about what a clock says right now?
She will then begin to slowly regain consciousness. Sometimes she’s insanely cold. Other times she’ll be boiling hot. She may get fidgety and start scratching random places on her body. She may attempt to get up. (There was a frightening occurrence a few years ago when she had a seizure before I came to bed and then proceeded to walk out of the apartment. By the time I realized what was going on she was 60 feet down the hallway. She hadn’t regained her faculties yet. She didn’t know what she was doing.) I gently hold her down if she tries to immediately get up. I ask her to hold on to my hand. “Just relax. Everything is okay.”
During this time she may drift in and out of sleep/consciousness. I give her time. Within a few more minutes she will come to again. She needs to use the restroom. If I determine that she’s coherent enough we’ll make the short walk to the restroom. I stay right next to her during the walk there and back. Once I get her back into bed that’s when my own personal Notebook begins to play out.
“What’s my name?” “What did we have for dinner last night?” “When did get married?”
“What’s my name?” “Matt,” she replies.
Now holding our waking baby, “Who am I holding?” No answer. “Who am I holding?” No answer. She doesn’t remember our child’s name or birthdate.
I don’t react. My goal is to not alarm her during this time. “When did we get married?” A thought goes towards it but she only puckers her lips and blows me a quick kiss. “Babe, when did we get married?” Again, another kiss, but no answer.
“Was it in the summertime or wintertime?” She replies, “Wintertime.” We got married on a very warm July 24th.
“Was it hot outside when we got married or was it cold?” I now go towards a different line of questioning.
“What did we have for dinner last night?” No answer. I ask her, “Did we have pizza?” She says, “Yes.” She’s right. I ask her what toppings were on the pizza. I can tell she’s really trying to remember but everything hasn’t been restored yet. I tell her the answer hoping to aid in bringing back those memories.
I’m doing my best to restore the memories of the person I love more than anything. Like Gardner, I feel overwhelmed. Up to this point I have played the “What if. . .” game over and over in my head. I will not repeat the hopeless thoughts I have. These thoughts usually generate a few tears in my eyes. I hate the uncertainty. I hate the feeling of helplessness.
I give her a few more moments before I start asking the same questions. Within time I get her back. She can correctly answer my questions. Because of the unusual nature of me sitting on her bedside at 4AM asking basic questions she eventually deduces what happened. “Did I have a seizure?”
I tell her that she did, and we begin to survey the damage. To some degree her tongue will always be cut up. Sometimes it’s more severe than others. This time it’s just on the tip.
She then gets really quiet and solemn. I can sense that she’s taking personal inventory. She is going through all of the same emotions I did just moments before. Her grief and concern now dwarf mine.
I look at the clock and realize it’s been about 50 minutes from when the seizure started to the point where she regains all of her coherency. 50 minutes! I hope no one has to go through these experiences as we do.
What positive comes out of this? (Guys you can stop reading here.)
There are almost 7 billion people on Earth. Each of us has had many different turns in the road we call life. Such an extraordinary set of miscellaneous events had to take place for her and I to even meet; from our divorces to when and why we moved at various points in our lives. Everything had to be just right for our paths to cross. I get that. I clearly see that. Everything that has happened was supposed to happen. We were supposed to end up together. I have no doubt about this. Going through the seizure roller coaster makes me keenly aware of what I have.
James Gardner had to break out his notebook every day to get back the one he loved. I have to go to mine about every six months. . . . . and I always get her back!
About four years ago I went an extended period of time without a vehicle. During this time I was able to watch many movies. I didn’t have cable at the time so movie watching was about the only thing I could do. I was able to get caught up on many movies I’ve always wanted to see. I was also able to watch many that I knew nothing about. It was during this time when I saw The Notebook.
The movie basically revolves around an epic love story between Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. If you see the cover of the DVD box you’ll get the gist of what I’m saying. The movie begins in present day with an old James Gardner visiting a nursing home to see an old female friend that has lost her faculties over the years. The female friend does not remember him. Gardner brings a “notebook” with him on his visit. The notebook tells the story of two young people that were very much in love and the trials and tribulations they go through over the years. A bulk majority of the movie follows the story that’s being told from the notebook. Periodically, they segue to present day where you can see an emotionally involved Gardner continuing to tell the story to his female friend. She seems to take delight in the story that’s being told as all of the details are new to her.
As the movie plays out you come to realize that James Gardner is the older, present day, Ryan Gosling and his female friend is the present day Rachel McAdams. I don’t recall what ailment befalls the present day McAdams but it is some form of dementia no doubt. You learn that Gardner comes to the hospital every day, and every day he is unrecognized. Every day he reads the story from the notebook hoping to jog the memory of his now vacant wife. He spends all day, every day. . . . day after day trying to restore the memory that now seems lost. By the end of the movie present day McAdams gets the twinkle in her eye as all of the memories come flooding back to her at once. It’s a day that Gardner thought was never possible, and he knew it needed to be cherished because tomorrow the memories would be gone and he would begin all over again with the story from the notebook.
Ladies, you can watch the movie if you want to see the sad ending.
Four years ago, I met my wife. Working together led to dating. Dating led to living together. Living together led to marriage and our budding family. For the past ten years my wife has been prone to unexplained seizures. Many doctors have been visited and various things have been ruled out. We think. The seizures are not a common occurrence. They happen about every six to eight months and always at night once we’re in bed. They happen just far enough apart to catch us off guard. She had another one last week.
If you want to truly reevaluate the priorities in your life sit and watch the person that you love more than anything convulse. Work, sports, hobbies, everything. . . . everything very quickly seems insignificant.
Knowing my wife will read this I just want to say that I know the level of fear and anxiety she feels about her seizures trumps mine. I can’t pretend to put myself in her shoes and know how she truly feels about this. All I can do is relay the experience and my feelings from my point of view.
I am awakened from a dead sleep with a violent shaking in the bed. My brain is now programmed to know what this means and I now spring out of sleep and to my feet within a second. Sometimes she will be scratching her leg or foot and the motion mimics that of a seizure. After deciphering this and she tells me everything is okay, we go back to sleep. When I see that her fists are clenched and curved inward I know a seizure has begun. The next sixty seconds provide the most helpless time I can imagine. You have to let the seizure play out. There’s no choice in this matter. Her eyes look like marbles as her pupils dilate to great portions and she stares blankly off into space. Her body shakes violently and she foams at the mouth. She is in a catatonic state for about a minute or so. It’s in these sixty seconds where life takes on new meaning.
Did I really get mad at her for being short with me earlier? When was the last time I said, “I love you?” Did I even hug her when I got home from work?
What can I do to help? Is there anything I can do to shorten this, to alleviate it in any way? Nothing. Not one damn thing.
Once the seizing stops she goes into an “unconscious” state. This is when I go back and forth in my head a hundred times, “Do I call an ambulance or not?” We’ve talked about this before and she’s told me specifically not to do it. She will come out of it. Still, it weighs on my mind. It’s usually during this time when her mom receives a 4AM text from me. I know she’s sleeping and won’t get it for another few hours but I’m just looking for some sort of lifeline at this point. The “unconscious” state lasts roughly ten to fifteen minutes. I think. Who cares about what a clock says right now?
She will then begin to slowly regain consciousness. Sometimes she’s insanely cold. Other times she’ll be boiling hot. She may get fidgety and start scratching random places on her body. She may attempt to get up. (There was a frightening occurrence a few years ago when she had a seizure before I came to bed and then proceeded to walk out of the apartment. By the time I realized what was going on she was 60 feet down the hallway. She hadn’t regained her faculties yet. She didn’t know what she was doing.) I gently hold her down if she tries to immediately get up. I ask her to hold on to my hand. “Just relax. Everything is okay.”
During this time she may drift in and out of sleep/consciousness. I give her time. Within a few more minutes she will come to again. She needs to use the restroom. If I determine that she’s coherent enough we’ll make the short walk to the restroom. I stay right next to her during the walk there and back. Once I get her back into bed that’s when my own personal Notebook begins to play out.
“What’s my name?” “What did we have for dinner last night?” “When did get married?”
“What’s my name?” “Matt,” she replies.
Now holding our waking baby, “Who am I holding?” No answer. “Who am I holding?” No answer. She doesn’t remember our child’s name or birthdate.
I don’t react. My goal is to not alarm her during this time. “When did we get married?” A thought goes towards it but she only puckers her lips and blows me a quick kiss. “Babe, when did we get married?” Again, another kiss, but no answer.
“Was it in the summertime or wintertime?” She replies, “Wintertime.” We got married on a very warm July 24th.
“Was it hot outside when we got married or was it cold?” I now go towards a different line of questioning.
“What did we have for dinner last night?” No answer. I ask her, “Did we have pizza?” She says, “Yes.” She’s right. I ask her what toppings were on the pizza. I can tell she’s really trying to remember but everything hasn’t been restored yet. I tell her the answer hoping to aid in bringing back those memories.
I’m doing my best to restore the memories of the person I love more than anything. Like Gardner, I feel overwhelmed. Up to this point I have played the “What if. . .” game over and over in my head. I will not repeat the hopeless thoughts I have. These thoughts usually generate a few tears in my eyes. I hate the uncertainty. I hate the feeling of helplessness.
I give her a few more moments before I start asking the same questions. Within time I get her back. She can correctly answer my questions. Because of the unusual nature of me sitting on her bedside at 4AM asking basic questions she eventually deduces what happened. “Did I have a seizure?”
I tell her that she did, and we begin to survey the damage. To some degree her tongue will always be cut up. Sometimes it’s more severe than others. This time it’s just on the tip.
She then gets really quiet and solemn. I can sense that she’s taking personal inventory. She is going through all of the same emotions I did just moments before. Her grief and concern now dwarf mine.
I look at the clock and realize it’s been about 50 minutes from when the seizure started to the point where she regains all of her coherency. 50 minutes! I hope no one has to go through these experiences as we do.
What positive comes out of this? (Guys you can stop reading here.)
There are almost 7 billion people on Earth. Each of us has had many different turns in the road we call life. Such an extraordinary set of miscellaneous events had to take place for her and I to even meet; from our divorces to when and why we moved at various points in our lives. Everything had to be just right for our paths to cross. I get that. I clearly see that. Everything that has happened was supposed to happen. We were supposed to end up together. I have no doubt about this. Going through the seizure roller coaster makes me keenly aware of what I have.
James Gardner had to break out his notebook every day to get back the one he loved. I have to go to mine about every six months. . . . . and I always get her back!
Tuesday, February 15
Seinfeld Maddness
With the upcoming event of March Madness and my undying love for Seinfeld it seemed only logical to mesh the two juggernauts together. Excluding Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer I have come up with the top 64 Seinfeld characters and emerged them into a tournament style bracket. Each character has been seeded and placed into the appropriate bracket region.
How did I come up with the seedings?
There was no concrete formula. Their influence, how much they made me laugh, their place in Seinfeld lore, etc.
If you are a fan of Seinfeld I want to hear back from you on this. The BENES bracket will meet the COSTANZA bracket and the SEINFELD bracket will meet the KRAMER bracket in the Final 4.
E-mail me at bosshogg.dumas@gmail.com. I want your input. Give me your winners from these first round matchups. Don’t make me play this out on my own. Each blog posting will advance the tournament to the next round.
BENES
(1) David Puddy - Patrick Warburton
(16) Tina - Siobhan Fallon (Elaine’s red headed roommate in early seasons)
(8) Donald Sanger, the Bubble Boy - Jon Hayman
(9) Russell Dalrymple - Bob Balaban
(5) J. Peterman - John O'Hurley
(12) Mr. Lippman - Richard Fancy
(4) Mr. Justin Pitt - Ian Abercrombie
(13) Brett - James Patrick Stuart (Elaine’s boyfriend who knew Carl Farbman)
(6) Tim Whatley - Bryan Cranston
(11) Marla Penny (the virgin) - Jane Leeves
(3) The Soup Nazi - Larry Thomas
(14) Kevin - Tim DeKay (Bizarro Jerry)
(7) Poppie - Reni Santoni
(10) Jean Paul Jean Paul - Jeremiah Birkett
(2) Uncle Leo - Len Lesser
(15) Jake Jarmel - Marty Rackham
COSTANZA
(1) Estelle Costanza - Estelle Harris
(16) The Drake - Rick Overton
(8) Mr. Wilhelm - Richard Herd
(9) Mr. Thomassoulo - Gordon Jump
(5) Mrs. Ross - Grace Zabriskie
(12) Sid Fields - Bill Erwin (George had his bald head rubbed in oil in Sid’s apartment.)
(4) George Steinbrenner - Larry David
(13) Wyck Thayer -Bruce Davison (head of the Susan Ross foundation)
(6) Mr. Ross - Warren Frost
(11) Lt. Bookman - Philip Baker Hall
(3) Mr. Kruger - Daniel von Bargen
(14) Mr. Morgan - Tom Wright
(7) Susan Biddle Ross - Heidi Swedberg
(10) Carol - Lisa Mende – (“Come and see the baby.”)
(2) Morty Seinfeld - Barney Martin
(15) Wendy – Wendie Malick (With the old fashioned hair)
SEINFELD
(1) Newman – Wayne Knight
(16) Dolores (Mulva) - Susan Walters
(8) Babu Bhatt - Brian George
(9) Bob 'Maestro' Cobb - Mark Metcalf
(5) Ramon (the pool guy) - Carlos Jacott
(12) The Doorman - Larry Miller (“You think you’re better than me?”)
(4) Helen Seinfeld - Liz Sheridan
(13) Tony the Mechanic - Brad Garrett
(6) Sue Ellen Mischke - Brenda Strong (The heiress to the O’Henry candy bar fortune)
(11) Katie - Debra Jo Rupp (Jerry’s, unable to make a decision, manager)
(3) Kenny Bania - Steve Hytner
(14) Beth - Debra Messing
(7) Izzy Mandelbaum - Lloyd Bridges
(10) Keith Hernandez - Keith Hernandez
(2) Jack Klompus - Sandy Baron
(15) Jeannie - Janeane Garofalo
KREAMER
(1) Frank Costanza - Jerry Stiller
(16) Dr. Reston - Stephen McHattie – (Elaine’s psychologist boyfriend)
(8) Marcelino - Miguel Sandoval
(9) Darin the Intern – Jarrad Paul
(5) 'Crazy' Joe Davola - Peter Crombie
(12) Stan the Caddy - Armin Shimerman
(4) Mike Moffit - Lee Arenberg
(13) FDR - Michael McShane
(6) Lloyd Braun - Matt McCoy
(11) Bob & Cedirc - Yul Vazquez & John Paragon (The gay bullies)
(3) Mickey Abbott - Danny Woodburn
(14) Aaron (the close talker) – Judge Reinhold
(7) Jimmy - Anthony Starke
(10) Sally Weaver - Kathy Griffin
(2) Jackie Chiles - Phil Morris
(15) Earl Haffler - O'Neal Compton
How did I come up with the seedings?
There was no concrete formula. Their influence, how much they made me laugh, their place in Seinfeld lore, etc.
If you are a fan of Seinfeld I want to hear back from you on this. The BENES bracket will meet the COSTANZA bracket and the SEINFELD bracket will meet the KRAMER bracket in the Final 4.
E-mail me at bosshogg.dumas@gmail.com. I want your input. Give me your winners from these first round matchups. Don’t make me play this out on my own. Each blog posting will advance the tournament to the next round.
BENES
(1) David Puddy - Patrick Warburton
(16) Tina - Siobhan Fallon (Elaine’s red headed roommate in early seasons)
(8) Donald Sanger, the Bubble Boy - Jon Hayman
(9) Russell Dalrymple - Bob Balaban
(5) J. Peterman - John O'Hurley
(12) Mr. Lippman - Richard Fancy
(4) Mr. Justin Pitt - Ian Abercrombie
(13) Brett - James Patrick Stuart (Elaine’s boyfriend who knew Carl Farbman)
(6) Tim Whatley - Bryan Cranston
(11) Marla Penny (the virgin) - Jane Leeves
(3) The Soup Nazi - Larry Thomas
(14) Kevin - Tim DeKay (Bizarro Jerry)
(7) Poppie - Reni Santoni
(10) Jean Paul Jean Paul - Jeremiah Birkett
(2) Uncle Leo - Len Lesser
(15) Jake Jarmel - Marty Rackham
COSTANZA
(1) Estelle Costanza - Estelle Harris
(16) The Drake - Rick Overton
(8) Mr. Wilhelm - Richard Herd
(9) Mr. Thomassoulo - Gordon Jump
(5) Mrs. Ross - Grace Zabriskie
(12) Sid Fields - Bill Erwin (George had his bald head rubbed in oil in Sid’s apartment.)
(4) George Steinbrenner - Larry David
(13) Wyck Thayer -Bruce Davison (head of the Susan Ross foundation)
(6) Mr. Ross - Warren Frost
(11) Lt. Bookman - Philip Baker Hall
(3) Mr. Kruger - Daniel von Bargen
(14) Mr. Morgan - Tom Wright
(7) Susan Biddle Ross - Heidi Swedberg
(10) Carol - Lisa Mende – (“Come and see the baby.”)
(2) Morty Seinfeld - Barney Martin
(15) Wendy – Wendie Malick (With the old fashioned hair)
SEINFELD
(1) Newman – Wayne Knight
(16) Dolores (Mulva) - Susan Walters
(8) Babu Bhatt - Brian George
(9) Bob 'Maestro' Cobb - Mark Metcalf
(5) Ramon (the pool guy) - Carlos Jacott
(12) The Doorman - Larry Miller (“You think you’re better than me?”)
(4) Helen Seinfeld - Liz Sheridan
(13) Tony the Mechanic - Brad Garrett
(6) Sue Ellen Mischke - Brenda Strong (The heiress to the O’Henry candy bar fortune)
(11) Katie - Debra Jo Rupp (Jerry’s, unable to make a decision, manager)
(3) Kenny Bania - Steve Hytner
(14) Beth - Debra Messing
(7) Izzy Mandelbaum - Lloyd Bridges
(10) Keith Hernandez - Keith Hernandez
(2) Jack Klompus - Sandy Baron
(15) Jeannie - Janeane Garofalo
KREAMER
(1) Frank Costanza - Jerry Stiller
(16) Dr. Reston - Stephen McHattie – (Elaine’s psychologist boyfriend)
(8) Marcelino - Miguel Sandoval
(9) Darin the Intern – Jarrad Paul
(5) 'Crazy' Joe Davola - Peter Crombie
(12) Stan the Caddy - Armin Shimerman
(4) Mike Moffit - Lee Arenberg
(13) FDR - Michael McShane
(6) Lloyd Braun - Matt McCoy
(11) Bob & Cedirc - Yul Vazquez & John Paragon (The gay bullies)
(3) Mickey Abbott - Danny Woodburn
(14) Aaron (the close talker) – Judge Reinhold
(7) Jimmy - Anthony Starke
(10) Sally Weaver - Kathy Griffin
(2) Jackie Chiles - Phil Morris
(15) Earl Haffler - O'Neal Compton
Monday, February 7
SUPER BOWL RECAP
I’m thrilled with the result of the Super Bowl. It put me plus .500 for the playoffs.
Super Bowl check list:
- Pick the winner. (Check)
- Pick the MVP. (Check)
- Predict the correct score to within one point. (Check)
I predicted 31-24. Had the Steelers kicked the extra point instead of going for two I would have nailed it.
Additionally, this is the quote I made on 1/6/11 before the Packer’s Wild Card game against the Eagles.
It’s the Packer’s time. No running back? No tight end? No problem. After the 2011 playoffs I look for Rodgers to be mentioned along side Brady, Brees and Manning as the best.
What I didn’t like about the Super Bowl:
- The commercials (almost all of them) STUNK. Very few laugh out loud moments in my living room. Oh, except when Cameron Diaz was feeding A-Rod popcorn from her hand. Probably my favorite shot from the whole game. (I’m guessing that Fox had one camera assigned to them or just that luxury box for the whole game. The poor sap of a cameraman (or woman) had to look at those dolts all game. I can see his eyes light up when he noticed Diaz stuffing popcorn into A-Rod’s mouth for the first time. . . . . then a second. . . . . he gets on his head set, “Someone give me a live shot ASAP. I have Diaz feeding A-Rod popcorn out of her hand. I need a live shot now!!!”
- Aguilera botching the national anthem. There were huge expectations of her rendition. Not only did she mince words but her take on the (what usually gives me chill bumps) song was forgettable. FORGETTABLE!
- Umm, Rodgers should have thrown for over 400 yards if there were no dropped passes.
- Injuries. Was it the two week hiatus?
- Fergie just yelling into the mic instead of singing on a few of those songs.
- There were times in that game when the Packers were winning but their body language totally said they were losing or they were going to lose. I didn’t like that. But hey, they got it done. (Loved the shot of Kevin Greene getting into Clay Mathews ear before they took the field, “Now is the time!” That was right before Matthews caused that fumble. Loved it.
Here’s what I would like to do next football season. I want to do weekly picks for $$MONEY$$. I’m talking about laying down $20, $40 or $50. . . whatever the amount, and chart picks from week to week. No spreads. Just straight winners. I would post everyone’s picks on this blog by game time on Sunday. I’d keep a running count from week to week. Most wins at the end of the season would equal a pay day. I think this would be fun and would keep interest alive in all NFL games. I will get more out on this as the NFL season approaches.
That reminds me, THERE’S NOT AN NFL GAME FOR ANOTHER 7 MONTHS!!!!! And that’s assuming a lockout doesn’t happen.
Super Bowl check list:
- Pick the winner. (Check)
- Pick the MVP. (Check)
- Predict the correct score to within one point. (Check)
I predicted 31-24. Had the Steelers kicked the extra point instead of going for two I would have nailed it.
Additionally, this is the quote I made on 1/6/11 before the Packer’s Wild Card game against the Eagles.
It’s the Packer’s time. No running back? No tight end? No problem. After the 2011 playoffs I look for Rodgers to be mentioned along side Brady, Brees and Manning as the best.
What I didn’t like about the Super Bowl:
- The commercials (almost all of them) STUNK. Very few laugh out loud moments in my living room. Oh, except when Cameron Diaz was feeding A-Rod popcorn from her hand. Probably my favorite shot from the whole game. (I’m guessing that Fox had one camera assigned to them or just that luxury box for the whole game. The poor sap of a cameraman (or woman) had to look at those dolts all game. I can see his eyes light up when he noticed Diaz stuffing popcorn into A-Rod’s mouth for the first time. . . . . then a second. . . . . he gets on his head set, “Someone give me a live shot ASAP. I have Diaz feeding A-Rod popcorn out of her hand. I need a live shot now!!!”
- Aguilera botching the national anthem. There were huge expectations of her rendition. Not only did she mince words but her take on the (what usually gives me chill bumps) song was forgettable. FORGETTABLE!
- Umm, Rodgers should have thrown for over 400 yards if there were no dropped passes.
- Injuries. Was it the two week hiatus?
- Fergie just yelling into the mic instead of singing on a few of those songs.
- There were times in that game when the Packers were winning but their body language totally said they were losing or they were going to lose. I didn’t like that. But hey, they got it done. (Loved the shot of Kevin Greene getting into Clay Mathews ear before they took the field, “Now is the time!” That was right before Matthews caused that fumble. Loved it.
Here’s what I would like to do next football season. I want to do weekly picks for $$MONEY$$. I’m talking about laying down $20, $40 or $50. . . whatever the amount, and chart picks from week to week. No spreads. Just straight winners. I would post everyone’s picks on this blog by game time on Sunday. I’d keep a running count from week to week. Most wins at the end of the season would equal a pay day. I think this would be fun and would keep interest alive in all NFL games. I will get more out on this as the NFL season approaches.
That reminds me, THERE’S NOT AN NFL GAME FOR ANOTHER 7 MONTHS!!!!! And that’s assuming a lockout doesn’t happen.
Monday, January 31
SUPER BOWL PICKS
I picked both conference championship games correctly. That brings me to 5-5 in the post season. The Super Bowl is the make or break game.
The line comes from Danny Sheridan from the USA Today as of 1/30/11.
Packers (-2 ½) vs. Steelers
How tempting is it to pick the Steelers getting 2 ½ points? I would like to, but I have to stick with my pony. I predicted the Packers (and Rodgers) to do great and memorable things in the playoffs. I can’t back off now.
With the weather not being an issue I suspect both quarterbacks will put up tremendous numbers. Whichever team’s offensive line plays better will win the game. If Rodgers has time to throw he is too good to not find the open man. If the Steelers are able to run effectively the odds tilt in their favor.
Either way, hide your sisters Texans. Roethlisberger is in town.
EXPERT PICKS
Robby Kid ------- STEELERS 31-27 ---- MVP - Roethlisberger
Lawyer Keith ---- PACKERS 27-24 ---- MVP – Rodgers
Laker Fan Woj -- PACKERS 27-21 ---- MVP – Rodgers
Genoa E ---------- STEELERS 24-17 ---- MVP – Polamalu
Tone Loc --------- STEELERS 24-10 ---- MVP – M. Wallace
Joe The Pro ------- PACKERS 24-17 ---- MVP – C. Mathews
Nice Guy Troy --- STEELERS 21-17 ---- MVP - Roethlisberger
Cowboy Welch --- PACKERS 28 – 20 -- MVP – Rodgers or Woodson
The Old Man ----- STEELERS 28-24 ---- MVP – Polamalu
The Wife ---------- PACKERS 33-24 ----- MVP – Rodgers
Jimbo ---------------PACKERS 27-23 ----- MVP – Rodgers
Brother Ben ------ STEELERS 34-21 ---- MVP - Roethlisberger
Boss Hogg ------- PACKERS 31-24 ------ MVP - Rodgers
(NOT obvious) Impact player for STEELERS: Heath Miller
(NOT obvious) Impact player for PACKERS: Donald Driver
PICK: PACKERS (-2 ½)
The line comes from Danny Sheridan from the USA Today as of 1/30/11.
Packers (-2 ½) vs. Steelers
How tempting is it to pick the Steelers getting 2 ½ points? I would like to, but I have to stick with my pony. I predicted the Packers (and Rodgers) to do great and memorable things in the playoffs. I can’t back off now.
With the weather not being an issue I suspect both quarterbacks will put up tremendous numbers. Whichever team’s offensive line plays better will win the game. If Rodgers has time to throw he is too good to not find the open man. If the Steelers are able to run effectively the odds tilt in their favor.
Either way, hide your sisters Texans. Roethlisberger is in town.
EXPERT PICKS
Robby Kid ------- STEELERS 31-27 ---- MVP - Roethlisberger
Lawyer Keith ---- PACKERS 27-24 ---- MVP – Rodgers
Laker Fan Woj -- PACKERS 27-21 ---- MVP – Rodgers
Genoa E ---------- STEELERS 24-17 ---- MVP – Polamalu
Tone Loc --------- STEELERS 24-10 ---- MVP – M. Wallace
Joe The Pro ------- PACKERS 24-17 ---- MVP – C. Mathews
Nice Guy Troy --- STEELERS 21-17 ---- MVP - Roethlisberger
Cowboy Welch --- PACKERS 28 – 20 -- MVP – Rodgers or Woodson
The Old Man ----- STEELERS 28-24 ---- MVP – Polamalu
The Wife ---------- PACKERS 33-24 ----- MVP – Rodgers
Jimbo ---------------PACKERS 27-23 ----- MVP – Rodgers
Brother Ben ------ STEELERS 34-21 ---- MVP - Roethlisberger
Boss Hogg ------- PACKERS 31-24 ------ MVP - Rodgers
(NOT obvious) Impact player for STEELERS: Heath Miller
(NOT obvious) Impact player for PACKERS: Donald Driver
PICK: PACKERS (-2 ½)
Friday, January 21
100 Greatest TV Characters
Am I a television expert? I don’t know. What makes an expert?
I can say that I’ve watched more TV than most people. 25 years ago there wasn’t a lot of viewing options. It was easier to keep tabs on shows. Today it is near impossible.
My love for list making is only superseded by my love for my family, gyros and perogies. Hence, I have compiled a list of my TOP 100 television characters of all time. The key word here is “my.”
This list is to be savored. Savored like the first 14 seconds of chewing a piece of Bazooka bubble gum.
Agree or disagree, I hope you enjoy.
100. Chris Peterson (Chris Elliott) – Get a Life! 1990-1992
I have to go on my scattered memories from 19 years ago on this one. He was a 30 year old paper boy and the topics were absolutely zany. I remember watching this show and getting a huge kick out of Chris Elliott. His real life father played his dad on the show. I’d love to watch a few episodes again to see if it was as funny as I remember. Since there were only 35 total episodes you won’t catch this in syndication anywhere.
99. Henry Rush (Ted Knight) – Too Close for Comfort 1980-1987
Of course Ted Knight’s character of Ted Baxter is more memorable. The thing is, I’ve never seen too many episodes of Mary Tyler Moore. I thought I remembered this show as having a nice four year run. Wrong. It lasted 129 episodes. I’m not sure if anyone plays “disgruntled” better than Ted Knight. I can just see his eyes getting as big as saucers because of some misunderstanding with Monroe (Jim J. Bullock). Ted Knight passed away in 1986.
98. Buddy Lembeck (Willie Aames) – Charles in Charge 1984-1990
I have a few guilty pleasure picks on this list. Count dimwitted Buddy Lembeck as one. It’s been a while since I’ve seen an episode so I may be disappointed to see how “lame-brain” this character actually is, but I always thought it was funny when Buddy would come bursting into a room, look right at Charles and say, “Charles, it’s me. . . Buddy.”
97. Eddie Finnerty (Kevin Corrigan) – Grounded for Life 2001-2005
Did you ever see this show? It was on FOX, so that means you didn’t. But, it was funny. Eddie was the brother of the main character Sean (Donal Logue). They were always getting into some sort of hijinx and Eddie was the one who had the most abstract, often dark or violent solution to the problem. You’ll also see Kevin Corrigan in Superbad (period girl’s boyfriend). He’s the type of actor that has an intangible quality that makes his style all his own.
96. Sandra Clark (Jackee Harry) – 227 1985-1989
The prissy and voluptuous neighbor on 227. Her calling card was the way she would say, “M-a-a-a-a-ry.” If you’ve seen the show you know exactly what I’m talking about.
95. Kirk Morris (Jere Burns) – Dear John 1988-1992
If you weren’t a TV junkie like me, you may have never watched this show. Heck, you may have never heard of it. Judd Hirsch (of Taxi fame) was the star. Judd Hirsch’s character (John) was left by his wife. So he joins a support group for divorced and widowed people. Kirk was the womanizer of the group. His trademark was how he said his own name. I can’t duplicate it with typing. I don’t even think I could duplicate it orally (That’s what she said . . . . just wait. The Office characters are coming. Um, that’s what she said.). Jere Burns, I remember “Kiiirk” after 20 years, and I think I’ve often tried imitating you a few times. For that sir, you make my list.
94. Dale Gribble (Johnny Hardwick) – King of the Hill 1997-2010
I have fallen in and out of love with King of the Hill over the years. It’s one of those shows where I can always find something better to watch. I believe there was a time when I didn’t have cable and FOX was airing it in reruns. This is when I saw most of my episodes. Dale Gribble was the character to watch. He lived in a world of complete paranoia. The government was always watching. The world was out to get him. Combine his paranoia with the fact that he was a bug exterminator and you have a winning combination.
93. John Black (Drake Hogestyn) – Days of our Lives 1965-present
Here is the curveball of the countdown. There were two stretches in my life where I watched the Days of Our Lives (both in the 90’s). John Black was the end all, be all for melodrama. His dramatics were so over the top that it was a sheer delight to watch. You remember Joey from Friends talking about “smell the fart” acting. This was Drake Hogestyn. I loved it when his love interest (Deidre Hall) was possessed by the devil. . . .or when he was in the gas chamber being executed but was saved just in time. . . . or when, never mind. You get the point. John Black will always live in my personal lore.
92. B.A. Baracus (Mr. T) – A-team 1983-1987
The 8 year old me thought he was the baddest man on Earth. When you watched the A-team you always waited for the scenes when they needed the muscle. You knew an ass-whoopin’ Mr. T. was right around the corner. I loved the quirk in the character that he was afraid to fly. Never mind that B.A. started showing signs of dementia when he was 40 years old; it was funny when they had to knock him out to get him onto a plane or helicopter.
91. Wayne Arnold (Jason Hervey) – The Wonder Years 1988-1993
He played the perfect big brother to Kevin Arnold. Caring, nurturing, involved . . . . . yeah right! His constant meddling and picking on Kevin was great, and if you waited long enough you would get his classic, “Butthead!” nickname that he peppered Kevin with.
90. Cliff Barnes (Ken Kercheval) – Dallas 1978-1991
I’ve seen many episodes of Dallas. My mom loved the show so we watched it. I know, Larry Hageman playing J.R. Ewing is classic. I liked him, but I liked Cliff Barnes even more. Cliff was always at odds with J.R. He was crass and tasteless. He was perfect, just perfect for this show.
89. Larry (William Sanderson) – Newhart 1982-1990
“I’m Larry. This is my brother Darryl. This is my other brother Darryl.” Enough said.
88. Paul Lassiter (Richard Kind) – Spin City 1996-2002
Clueless, neurotic, annoying and loveable. Richard Kind seems to play this character perfectly. He plays a somewhat similar version in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Sitcoms need this type of character. He was definitely worth watching in Spin City.
87. Oswald Harvey (Diedtrich Bader) – The Drew Carey Show 1995-2004
Great, slightly dim-witted character. Drew Carey was never a “must watch” for me, but I’ve seen enough episodes. Diedtrich Bader is a memorable, supporting comedic actor.
86. John Allen Hill (Keene Curtis) – Cheers 1982-1993
John Allen Hill was in 15 episodes late in the Cheers’ run. He was the proprietor of the restaurant upstairs from Cheers. He played the enemy to Sam Malone and in some episodes literally drove him crazy. Even funnier was that he was having an affair with Carla. He was unwavering and direct and made Sam’s skin crawl when he walked down the stairs and announced his arrival with a, “Ohh, S-a-a-a-m.”
85. Arthur Carlson (Gordon Jump) – WKRP in Cincinnati 1978-1982
The “big guy” was in charge at WKRP. Well, not really. Mother Carlson was truly in charge, but Arthur Carlson was in charge of the day to day operations. He was loveable and clueless all at once. Gordon Jump played it tremendously. Remember the episode when Johnny Fever confiscated cocaine from the new DJ and Mr. Carlson confronted Fever about it. Carlson was told that it was foot powder. Without missing a beat he proceeded to put some on his foot . . . . . and the comedy ensued.
84. Andy (Larry Joe Campbell) – According to Jim 2001-2009
I have only seen this show in re-runs. Jim Beluschi is funny. I’ve always like him. I love the character of Andy. He’s usually at the butt end of the joke. His timing and presence are right on the money. Larry Joe Campbell just proves that if you are portly and have an ounce of comedic timing and shtick there will always be a job for you in T.V. and movies. Check out the best man speech at Claire’s sister’s wedding in Wedding Crashers. Good, good stuff.
83. Janice Litman (Maggie Wheeler) – Friends 1994-2004
“Ohhh. . . . my. . . . . God!” Do you think Maggie Wheeler knew she locked down one of the best catch phrases of the 90’s the first time she uttered these three words? Fact – Janice episodes are THAT much better when watching Friends. She was in 19 of them.
82. Henry Desmond – (Peter Scolari)- Bosom Buddies 1980-1982
Hilarious, short lived show that was comedy gold. Peter Scolari and Tom Hanks needed a place to live. The only place available was an apartment complex for women. So of course the only solution was to dress in drag and move it. No, this premise never got old. This show was funny and I only wish there were more episodes of it.
81. Roy Biggins (David Schramm) – Wings 1990-1997
Roy worked at the competing airline on Nantucket Island on Wings. He was known to double cross the Hackett’s while keeping some civility in the relationship. He was big, kind of greasy, kind of sleazy and always funny. AND, he possess one of my favorite television names ever. . . “Roy Biggins.” It’s as if Al Bundy named him himself.
80. Lewis Kiniski (Ryan Stiles) – The Drew Carey Show 1995-2004
Lewis was the partner in crime with Oswald on the Drew Carey Show. The difference between the two was Ryan Stiles. You name it, Stiles can do it (as he has proven on Whose Line is it Anyway?) His expressions, his timing – funny. He is one of the few people that is always funny. Being a master at impromptu comedy only enhances his standing.
79. Balki Bartokomous (Bronson Pinchot) – Perfect Strangers 1986-1993
I know you remember this show. Quick, how many episodes aired? 50? Maybe 75? Nope. 150 episodes! This show was mindlessly funny and obviously they were able to keep it fresh for quite some time. Balki was the foreign cousin to Larry Appleton. Every jam they got themselves into saw Larry being over-panicked and frenzied. Balki was quite the opposite. “Don’t be ridiculous.” That ranks high up there on catch phrases over the last 30 years. Bronson Pinchot was so good that you actually believed he was foreign and that was his true accent. Oh, this might be one of my favorite theme songs of any show. It was perfect for the time.
78. Barney Gumble (Dan Castellanetta) – Simpsons 1989-present
The drunken Simpson’s mainstay. Barney has earned the right to make this list by slamming Duff’s and belching for 22 years.
77. Herb Tarlek (Frank Bonner) – WKRP in Cincinnati 1978-1982
This show had the chops to make a long run of it. When it was all said and done they totaled only 90 episodes. If Perfect Strangers could knock out 150 you’d think WKRP would have some staying power as well. WKRP had some good characters, but Herb was my favorite. He sucked up to the “big guy,” Mr. Carlson. He was always after the receptionist, Jennifer (Lonnie Anderson), even though he was married. And he wore the BEST, I’m talking about the most fantastically horrible suits a man could wear for that time. Frank Bonner played him well. This too has one of my favorite theme songs in TV history. Have you ever tried to figure out the lyrics during the closing credits? Don’t bother. It’s gibberish.
76. Taco (Jonathan Lajoie) – The League 2009-present
Who? I know. Not many people watch this show. Taco is the most aloof of the group of guys in his fantasy football league. His zany antics, off beat sense of reality and great timing make him an original (and hilarious) character. If he tells you he’s a notary, don’t believe him.
75. Jim Ignatowski (Christopher Lloyd) – Taxi 1978-1983
My favorite space cadet. Iggy was the brain-fried cabbie that you couldn’t help but love. He was always quick to help out Louie when he was summoned. He was the only one that didn’t see the creep DePalma was. I loved that relationship. Jim Ignatowski was part of one of the great (I mean great) back and forth’s in TV history. To Bobby Wheeler, “What does a yellow light mean?” Reply, “Slow down.” Hopefully this clip is on YouTube. Find it and watch it. Jeff Conaway’s reaction is great as Christopher Lloyd replies, “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat doooooooooeeeees aaaaaaaa yeeeeeeeeellloooooowwww liiiiiiiighttttt meeeeeeeaaaaaan?”
“Slow down.”
“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. . . . . . . .”
74. Ralph Furley (Don Knotts) – Three’s Company 1977-1984
Don Knotts gets a seat at the table. The outfits, my God the outfits. Knotts is a comedic gem from the old school. He knows funny. And of course, the face. The face Ralph Furley would make if something struck his chagrin. It looked like he just stuck his finger into a light socket. Priceless.
73. Latka Gravas (Andy Kaufman) – Taxi 1978-1983
If you didn’t know, you thought Andy Kaufman was from some European country. The accent was unique and real. When he broke off and started speaking in his completely made up and phony dialect it was classic. The garage mechanic stole every seen that he was in. He was the Cosmo Kramer of his day.
72. Luther Van Dam (Jerry Van Dyke) – Coach 1989-1997
There is something to be said for the loveable, dim characters that bring so much humor to television shows. Luther was right on the money. He was the assistant football coach to Hayden Fox and was responsible for many of the jams and misunderstandings the show experienced. Team him up with the even more dimmer and slightly less loveable, Dauber and comedy was afoot. He was probably responsible for 50% of the out loud laughs the show had.
71. Lennie Briscoe (Jerry Orbach) – Law & Order 1990-2010
Classic character. He had the snappy one-liners at the end of the first scene at the beginning to every show. You waited for it and he delivered. I love the characters that can maintain the drama 100% of the time but also insert wit and humor to give the character and the show that much more of an appeal. Although he looked older and weathered I never got the feeling that Jerry Orbach was just going through the motions. Even after 274 episodes he stayed sharp and kept Law & Order ahead of the pack.
70. Philip J. Fry (Billy West) – Futurama 1999-present
Futurama is great because the common rules don’t apply. The cartoon takes place 1,000 years in the future. That gives the writers and creators artistic license to do almost anything they want to. Often times they’ll make Fry a very sympathetic character. Most other times he is getting into trouble with his buddy Bender. His character isn’t that intelligent, but again, dim-witted, nose pickers seem to be funny.
69. Desmond Hume (Henry Ian Cusick) – Lost 2004-2010
“I don’t know, brutha,” “I’ll tell you what, brutha.” Desmond, you had me at “brutha.” Desmond served as the X factor to the Lost series. He wasn’t one of the crash survivors. He went from being the man in the hatch to being the most pivotal character on the show within a few seasons. The episodes where he is leaping in and out of consciousness (and time) are riveting. I also enjoyed his mission to “enlighten” everyone in the pre-heaven world in the last season.
68. Ruxin (Nick Kroll) – The League 2009-present
Clever, smartass, quick with the tongue characters always have a place in my heart. Ruxin is all of this. Ruxin provides the sharpest wit in a show filled of characters with sharp wit. Women should not be turned off by the content matter of this show. Although their fantasy football season is the plot device that binds them together the show is much more than that. My wife has watched some episodes and she likes it. I like the fact that they gave the somewhat-nerdy Ruxin a smoking hot wife. He is fully aware of it, and doesn’t quite understand it himself. Funny, funny show.
67. Frank Barone (Peter Boyle) – Everybody Loves Raymond 1996-2005
“Holy crap!” Usually shows will show a tender, softer side to a character like this as the show develops. Not Frank Barone. With the exception of maybe one episode he has remained crass, direct and crusty throughout the run of the show. Peter Boyle passed away a few years ago, but this character definitely lives on.
66. Ellie Torres (Christa Miller) – Cougar Town 2009-present
Christa Miller is so sharp and quick with this character that I need to watch the show in subtitles. I miss so much when I don’t. Cougar Town has a unique style of humor all its own. Ellie Torres is the sharpest and most direct of the characters. She has her husband, Andy, hanging by a string; she is the through thick and thin best friend of Jules; and is always in a constant verbal assault with Laurie. Her dialogue is clever and she delivers every episode. You’ll also recognize her from The Drew Carey Show.
65. Brian Hackett (Steven Weber) – Wings 1990-1997
Brian was the funnier and more wild of the two Hackett brothers. Wings was a great (underappreciated) show. Steven Weber was at the center of it all.
64. Hal (Bryan Cranston) – Malcolm in the Middle 2000-2006
When I think of Hal I picture him panicked and frenzied, racing a million miles an hour to put out the latest fire. Hal always had to maintain the balance between the kids and his wife, Lois. He is at his best when trying to maintain the order to what is an otherwise outrageous situation.
63. Lenny & Squiggy (Michael McKean & David L. Lander) – Laverne & Shirley 1976-1983
“Hellooooo.” Their comedy antics made the show that much more successful. Comedy at this point in time was really harmless. These two goofballs were perfect for the era.
62. Bobby Simone (Jimmy Smits) – NYPD Blue 1993-2005
(To be sung in Jay & The Americans, “She Cried.”) “And when I saw thaaaaaaat Bobby Simooooooooooooooone diiiiiiiied. I-I-I-I-I criiiiiied.” I did. I remember specifically sitting in my living room in Cleveland when he died. He provided a counter balance to Dennis Franz’s impatient Andy Sipowicz. He wasn’t Sipowicz’s first partner and he wasn’t the last, but he was the most memorable. He appeared in 91 total episodes.
61. Marie Barone (Doris Roberts) – Everybody Loves Raymond 1996-2005
In many ways Marie Barone reminds me of my mom. Everything was 100% family and nothing would ever come before her two boys. The similarities stop there. Marie was so wonderfully intrusive and was never to be questioned. Marie was to be feared. She spoke her mind and always believed she was in the right. Her over-affection for Raymond and her often perceived disregard for Robert was one of the comedic anchors of the show.
60. Buffy Wilson (Tom Hanks) – Bosom Buddies 1980-1982
Before Tom Hanks was anything he was dressing in drag as Buffy Wilson in the short lived but hilarious Bosom Buddies. Watch this show if you ever have the opportunity. By day they were working at an ad agency; by night they were dressing in drag to preserve their residence. Brilliant.
59. David Addison Jr. (Bruce Willis) – Moonlighting 1985-1989
I have the hunch that Bruce Willis didn’t have to do much acting to portray David Addison. He worked opposite Maddie Hayes (Cybill Shepherd) as private investigators. The show fed off of Willis’ and Shepherd’s back and forth banter along with their sexual chemistry/tension. This was my introduction to Bruce Willis. Every character that Vince Vaughn has ever played originated with David Addison. Moonlighting only aired 54 episodes.
58. Jackie Harris (Laurie Metcalf) – Roseanne 1988-1997
She played Roseanne’s sister. She was likeable and very easy to relate to. When the show called for some serious topics Laurie Metcalf nailed it (like when her boyfriend had slapped her around a little). When the show called for comedy (which it quite often did), she was perfect. Sometimes she’d be over the top but she always remained believable and loveable. The show would not have been nearly as successful without her.
57. Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul) – Breaking Bad 2008-present
When you watch Breaking Bad you will remain glued to the television set. Aaron Paul is one half of the reason why. You wonder how they will ever get out of some of the situations they find themselves in (this is what happens when you make and deal meth). Just remember not to disintegrate a human body with acid in a bathtub. After it (the tub) comes crashing through the floor the clean up is very messy.
56. Carla Tortelli (Rhea Perlman) – Cheers 1982-1993
She was crass and blunt. She had more kids than you can count and boy oh, boy does Cliff Clavin get on her nerves. She delivered put down after put down and would sooner pull your hair out (or cut half of it off – Drusilla Dimeglio) than apologize to you.
55. Louie De Palma (Danny DeVito) – Taxi 1978-1983
A creep. They kept the taxi dispatcher in a cage about five feet higher than everyone else (a brilliant move). Louie was a sleaze. He was usually only into something if it benefitted him personally. His relationships with Jim Ignatowski and Latka Gravis were strong points of the show.
54. Uncle Leo (Len Lesser) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
“Jerry. . .Hello.” Len Lesser was only in 15 episodes but became a staple as Uncle Leo. I also enjoyed Len Lesser when he was in Everybody Loves Raymond.
53. Jackie Chiles (Phil Morris) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
“Jackie Chiles, that’s who.” Phil Morris only reprised his role as Jackie Chiles in 6 episodes. He is very memorable as the slick talking lawyer that Kramer always went to. “That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, vesivius, salacious, outrageous!”
52. Doug Heffernan (Kevin James) – King of Queens 1998-2007
Doug Heffernan is the one character on this countdown that most closely resembles me. It is so easy to identify with him. Kevin James has the comedic background to carry this show and make it a lot funnier than what it probably should be.
51. Dr. Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer) – Cheers 1982-1993
How can we make this guy funny? Let’s make him Diane’s pompous significant other. Okay. Let’s have Diane leave him at the altar. Funny. Let’s have him fall in love with and marry Lilith Sternin only to have that relationship go up in flames. Keep going. Then we’ll have him sit at the bar throughout the series dispensing sage advice to all of his bar mates while they proceed to ignore him thus putting him into a chronic state of disbelief of the ignorance around him. We’re there.
50. Robert Barone (Brad Garrett) – Everybody Loves Raymond 1996-2005
His reactions and overreactions were always perfectly done. The look on his face was priceless when he realized that he is being slighted (once again) for Raymond. He had the, “Oh my God, the secret just came out,” face when his eyes would double in size and he couldn’t figure out a way to get out of the situation. The character was made for him.
49. Jimmy James (Stephen Root) – News Radio 1995-1999
He was the owner of the station in New Radio. He always seemed aloof and disconnected all the while being completely savvy and one step ahead of everyone else. Everything always worked out for Jimmy James. Stephen Root’s delivery is what makes him a character to be remembered.
48. Martin Keamy (Kevin Durand) – Lost 2004-2010
He was only in about a dozen episodes. He played the leader of a mercenary team that ultimately killed Ben Linus’ daughter. There he was good. In the pre-heaven world in the last season he was an organized thug that had captured Jin and then summoned Sayid to the restaurant he was at. His conversations with both men, and the way he carried himself were so incredibly quirky. He was totally channeling his inner Christopher Walken when portraying the character in this season. It was here where he was great.
47. Trudy Wiegel (Kerri Kenny) – Reno 911 2003-2009
She spoke her dimwitted mind. In a sweet way she was vulgar and disgusting. She was probably the least qualified of the group of under qualified people to be a police officer. That was the beauty of Reno 911. Once you learn to take this show with a grain of salt you will begin to appreciate all of the characters. None more so than Trudy Wiegel.
46. Joey Tribbiani (Matt LeBlanc) – Friends 1994-2004
Upon hearing the gunshot, Joey dives across the car. Ross thinks he’s trying to save his life (half of the episode plays out like that). In the end it comes out that Joey was trying to save his meatball sub. Joey was so incredibly dim, but it worked. He coined the phrase, “the meat sweats.” You know, when you eat so much meat you begin to sweat? Exactly. Oh, and I almost forgot, “How you doin?”
45. Bud Bundy (David Faustino) – Married with Children 1987-1997
Married with Children was a staple of my television viewing. It was never missed by my dad and I. My favorite story arc with Bud is when he took on the persona of Grand Master B. He pretended to be a gangster rapper from the streets. He acted tough and picked up girls. His sister Kelly was continuously calling him the wrong name, “Grasshopper B,” “Bed wetter B,” “Dishwasher B,” “Gas passer B.” I loved it.
44. Tommy Solomon (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) – 3rd Rock from the Sun 1996-2001
Just your average show where 4 aliens take the form of humans in an effort to gain all of the intelligence they can about the human race. Tommy was the information officer. Although he was the youngest (in real life) of the Solomon’s his alien counterpart was the oldest. So you have an advanced, intelligent being in the body of a teenager experiencing all of the issues/problems that teenagers face. His character was the most grounded of the 4 but that’s not saying much.
43. Cam Tucker (Eric Stonestreet) – Modern Family 2009-present
The gayest person on TV has the most heterosexual name in real life. Cam’s over the top flamboyance is hysterical. Each character on the show fits just right. The beauty of Stonestreet is that he is not gay in real life. He plays the character that well.
42. Frank Costanza (Jerry Stiller) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
“Jerry, it’s Frank Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner is here. George is dead. Call me back.” Possibly my favorite line of any Seinfeld episode. Frank Costanza is explosive and explosively funny. He appeared in 27 episodes.
41. Hayden Fox (Craig T. Nelson) – Coach 1989-1997
I can always picture the look of anguish, disgust and disappointment on Hayden Fox’s face. It’s the look of “I want to watch the football game, but we have to go to the ballet.” Who knew Craig T. Nelson would have such great comedic timing. It seemed every episode he would do something to throw his relationship with Shelley Fabaras into turmoil and then work to rectify it the remainder of the episode. Johnny Angel he was not. Coach was funny. Craig T. Nelson was a big reason.
40. Homer Simpson (Dan Castellaneta) – The Simpsons 1989-present
An all-time classic. Iconic. My only problem with the Simpsons (through no fault of their own) is that The Family Guy killed them. The Simpsons do not make me laugh any more. Homer Simpson has slowly fallen down this list year by year (but will always hold a place in my heart). The Simpsons are the girlfriend you had 10 years ago. At the time she was attractive, ambitious and witty. Now she is a chain smoking, overweight mother of three. “D’oh!”
39. Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry) – Friends 1994-2004
I like all six of the friends. They’ve all had their moments and have made me laugh countless times. When I began to take inventory about who I enjoyed the most and/or who made me laugh the most, Chandler Bing rose to the top. In early seasons his wit is just a little too cute (or corny), but over the duration of the show he has had some of its best moments. My favorite episode is when Joey and Chandler battle Monica and Rachel for the apartment (questions created by Ross). Chandler was 19 when he first touched a girl’s breast (contrary to Rachel’s guess of 14).
38. Bender (John Di Maggio) – Futurama 1999-present
A cigar smoking, alcohol drinking, gambling, womanizing robot. I love Bender. Although his best buddy is Fry, he still has a general disregard for the human race. Futurama is under watched and Bender is underappreciated.
37. Rebecca Howe (Kirstie Alley) – Cheers 1982-1993
She had the impossible task of making us forget Shelly Long. Somehow, she did it. I enjoy Rebecca Howe much more than Diane Chambers. When they first introduced her character she was very businesslike and driven. That quickly evolved to an insecure, neurotic mess. She had the “hots” for Evan Drake. She dated her “Sweet baby” Robin Colcord and she never gave Sam Malone the time of day.
36. Sally Solomon (Kristen Johnston) – 3rd Rock from the Sun 1996-2001
As part of the four person team of aliens (disguised as humans), Sally was in charge of security. She was the muscle of the group. The funny thing was that she was a six foot blond bombshell. They gave her great lines in outrageous plots. To see Harry, Tommy and Sally concoct various schemes as they discover things on the Earth for the first time was hilarious to watch.
35. Bull Shannon (Richard Moll) – Night Court 1984-1992
Maybe the most loveable character on the list. Bull’s hulking presence and laid back demeanor was a signature of Night Court. “Oooooh-Kay.” Stroke of genius – make Bull dimwitted and a little slow but give him an IQ of 181. Brilliant. If you watched Night Court, you liked Bull.
34. Jefferson D’Arcy (Ted McGinley) – Married with Children 1987-1997
Al Bundy’s official sidekick and trophy husband to neighbor Marcy D’acry. Ted McGinley quickly found a home when he arrived. He had the task of replacing Steve (Marcy’s quick witted first husband). Like Kirstie Alley, he made you forget all about his predecessor. Jefferson was at his best when Al and Marcy were trading barbs with each other. Jefferson would stand behind Marcy and laugh and shake his head in agreeance with Al only to be stopped in his tracks once Marcy turned around. More importantly Jefferson was a founding member of “NO MA’AM.” He appeared in 166 episodes.
33. Beavis & Butthead (Mike Judge) – Beavis & Butthead 1993-1997
You either LOVED them or you HATED them. Either way you knew characters like this wouldn’t have any staying power so you better enjoy them while they’re here. When I watch them now they are about 70% as funny as when they were at their peak. I think my biggest laughs came from the first time I saw the “Cornholio” episode. I remember sitting in a movie theater on a weekday in Cleveland watching “Beavis & Butthead Do America.” I was the only one in the theater. To this day this is the only time it’s ever happened to me. I’m not sure what it means.
32. Walter H. White (Bryan Cranston) – Breaking Bad 2008-present
Tense drama. He’s a high school chemistry teacher. He’s told that he has terminal cancer. He wants to make sure his wife and son are taken care of when he’s gone so the next logical move is to. . . . . . that’s right, start making and distributing crystal meth. Oh, and his brother in law is in law enforcement heading up the task force looking for the crystal meth dealers. Bryan Cranston has to walk the tightrope every single show. He must keep his dark life a secret from his family all the while maintaining a working relationship with his numbskull partner Jesse. This show packs high drama. Interestingly, Bryan Cranston is the only actor to appear twice on this list. He was in the running for a third as the dentist Tim Whatley from Seinfeld.
31. Ben Linus (Michael Emerson) – Lost 2004-2010
I watched my first episode of Lost in the beginning of 2010. I got caught up on the first 5 seasons (rapid fire) before the sixth season started. I was well aware of Michael Emerson’s haunting character of Ben Linus before he was introduced onto the show as I played catch-up. I didn’t know who he was, but his one of a kind look stuck with me when I saw previews for Lost (before I committed to the show). The Ben Linus ride is the most intriguing one of anyone on the list. Bad. Bad. Good. Bad. Going to hell bad. Bad. Signs of good. Bad. Trying to redeem himself. Good. Bad. Good. You get the point. He always left you guessing. You were always captivated by him.
30. Norm Peterson (George Wendt) – Cheers 1982-1993
“Norm!” Was there ever a character in any show that physically moved less than George Wendt? Sit here, drink this fake beer and zing jokes all episode. He loved beer. He was lazy and he knew it. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and he’s wearing Milk Bone underwear.
29. George Costanza (Jason Alexander) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
“Can’t you see? He’s wearing the glasses to fool Lloyd Braun.” George is a day late and a dollar short. He was derived directly from Larry David’s persona. The only break George ever received was accidentally killing his wife with toxic wedding envelops when he didn’t want to get married in the first place. They were expecting about 200 people. George’s alter ego was Art Vandelay, he was in love with Marissa Tomei and he couldn’t stand the well to do, Lloyd Braun. There are countless characteristics that make George, George. He was a one of a kind character.
28. Harry Solomon (French Stewart) – 3rd Rock from the Sun 1996-2001
French Stewart was the extremely dimwitted alien, Harry Solomon. He had the transmitting device inserted within him so the aliens were able to send and receive message to/from The Big Giant Head. His squinty eyes, his furry coat, his passionate love affair with Vicki Dubcek, his ability to misinterpret almost everything – all classic. Harry’s misguided philosophy on. . . . everything made him unforgettable.
27. Woody Boyd (Woody Harrelson) – Cheers 1982-1993
Before Kirstie Alley had the task of replacing Diane Chambers, Woody Harrelson had to do the same with Coach Ernie Pantusso. Nicholas Colasanto had passed away. They needed to replace him. So they brought in a loveable, young country bumpkin to replace a loveable, old country bumpkin. The comedic timing of Woody Boyd was top notch. He may have generated the most laughs during his time on the show. If you recall it was Woody’s ability to make a Screaming Viking that saved his job. The cucumber was slightly bruised.
26. Lowell Mather (Thomas Haden Church) – Wings 1990-1997
Back to back in the countdown, the two characters are very similar to each other. Like Woody Boyd, Lowell Mather was the slow, dense mechanic on Wings. Lowell’s rationale would make his coworkers scratch their heads, it made me laugh endlessly. I’m not sure how fully appreciated Wings was. It was a very good show. Thomas Haden Church was always funny.
25. Brian Griffin (Seth MacFarlane) – Family Guy 1999-present
The voice of reason amongst an otherwise insane cast of characters. He ogles his best friend’s wife, he’s an alcoholic and his partner in crime is an infant, Stewie. Yes, he’s the “sane” one in the group. He is the yin to both Peter and Stewie’s yang. The Peter and Brian episodes. Great. The Stewie and Brian episodes. Great. He is a tremendously equalizing character. I love when animals have human names. “Brian” the dog. Love it.
24. David Puddy (Patrick Warburton) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
Patrick Warburton was only in 10 episodes. He was the chest painting, 8-ball coat wearing, Arby’s loving, garbage disposal installing, staring off into space, quasi-squinty eyed, on again off again boyfriend of Elaine Benes. He was aloof and dead panned in his responses. He stole scenes. Excluding the core four he was my favorite character on Seinfeld.
23. Elliot Stabler (Christopher Meloni) – Law & Order SVU 1999-present
Alpha male. Always on point. Passionate about his job, sometimes over passionate. I’ve always found myself rooting for Stabler even the times when you know he is crossing the line or doing something wrong. His loyalty and intensity are two of his strongest characteristics. He is one half of the reason why SVU is going strong into its 13th year.
22. Cliff Clavin (John Ratzenberger) – Cheers 1982-1993
Cliff was the resident “know-it-all” at Cheers. Most episodes found him wearing his one size too small postman’s uniform. I admired his friendship with, “Normie,” and I thought Carla’s massive intolerance of him was hilarious. One of my favorite Cliff moments came when he was on Jeopardy. He dominated the whole show. Every category was right in his wheel house (CIVIL SERVANTS, STAMPS FROM AROUND THE WORLD, MOTHERS AND SONS, BEER, BAR TRIVIA, and CELIBACY). Cliff had a commanding lead going into final jeopardy. The category was (MOVIES). The answer (Archibald Leach, Bernard Schwartz and Lucille LeSueur). Clavin is stumped. This leads to his classic answer of, “Who are three people who've never been in my kitchen?" He arrogantly wagers all of his money and the contestant left with $400 wins. Cliff’s Jeopardy dreams go down in smoke. Great episode. Wonderful character.
21. Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
“It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alllllriiiight. She moves in mysterious ways.” Her dancing was described as a “full body dry heave.” She was clever, attractive and relatively shallow. I can’t envision another actress filling the role of Elaine. What stands out in my head? When she would hold back her tears, like that time when she couldn’t go to Atlantic City because she had to purchase socks for Mr. Pitt; her relationships with men, specifically David Puddy; her hatred of the English Patient; being mistaken for Suzie. . . . I could go on and on.
20. Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day) – It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia 2005-present
I have now seen more than enough episodes of Philadelphia to know that I love this show. All 5 characters are outrageously funny. The scenarios, content and language of this show make the FCC sweat every week. I guarantee it. Charlie Kelly rises to the top of this cast. When you first see him in action you think, “Bobcat Goldthwait.” He’s much more developed than Bobcat. Pound for pound this show gives me the most out loud laughs over any other show. I declare that it’s the funniest show you’re not watching.
19. Andy Sipowicz (Dennis Franz) – NYPD Blue 1993-2005
I watch NYPD Blue because of Andy Sipowicz. He was crass. He was unintentionally funny. He was overly devoted to his job. He was “hands on” during his interrogations. He would tell you exactly what he thought regardless of the repercussions. The heartache he suffered was immeasurable. Franz portrayed the character as a somewhat unlikeable, partially bigoted cop; but through it all he WAS likeable. Sipowicz was why you watched NYPD Blue.
18. Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) – Law & Order: SVU 1999-present
Strongest lead actress on television. Period. Olivia Benson is captivating, endearing, intelligent, intense and somehow remains sexy in an unsexy role. Benson is the calming presence to Stabler’s live wire routine. Countless episodes have illustrated Benson gaining the trust of the “bad guy” and getting them to reveal information to help solve the case. I am such a fan of Mariska Hargitay’s character that had my little boy, Charlie, been a girl he would have been named Olivia. I read that Olivia was the third most common name of newborns over the last few years. I believe this character provides a direct correlation to that.
17. Dick Solomon (John Lithgow) – 3rd Rock from the Sun 1996-2001
(As he gazes into a mirror) “Look at me. I’m GORGEOUS!” Dick Solomon was the patriarch of the four “person” alien family that resided in Rutherford, OH. Dick’s reactions (and overreactions) to all events were unforgettable. His love for Mary Albright was unwavering. His knowledge of physics (which he taught at the local college) was super genius. His grasp of the every day doings of humans was rudimentary. He made it all work. Hilarious character. Hilarious premise. Hilarious show.
16. Glenn Quagmire (Seth MacFarlane) – Family Guy 1999-present
“Giggity, giggity.” The most sex driven character on any show, ever. He’s your airline pilot, he’s your drinking buddy, he’s responsible for the chloroform for your Friday night orgy. “Who else but Quagmire?” He’s obsessed with Lois, loves the show Wings and can pack a half dozen Asian hookers into his trunk. “Who else but Quagmire?”
15. Todd Packer (David Koechner) – The Office 2005-present
Todd Packer has only appeared in 8 episodes. I think the creators realize that Packer in very small doses is a classic television character. I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that he is an over the top, drunken, womanizing sexist; or the fact the Michael Scott puts him on a pedestal and idolizes his behavior and antics. When someone took a steaming dump in the middle of Michael’s office he was at first clueless, then he became very upset because he thought someone had done it out of hatred. Once he found out that it was Packer he thought it was hilarious.
I gotta have more Packer. I need more Packer. I got a fever and the only cure is more Packer.
14. Bill McNeal (Phil Hartman) – News Radio 1995-1999
His murder ended his run on News Radio. His ego was huge as one of the on air personalities at WNYX. His “friendship” and constant toying with Andy Dick’s “Matthew” was classic. Bill thought he was better than everyone else even though his sense of entitlement was misguided. News Radio floundered after his death and was eventually pulled. Phil Hartman was one of the staples of the show.
13. Stewie Griffin (Seth MacFarlane) – Family Guy 1999-present
When I first saw Family Guy back in 1999 I did not like this character. A little baby with a British accent? Hated it. Now I cannot get enough. Stewie has contempt for everyone. Only in later episodes has he developed a special bond with Brian the dog. And by special bond I mean the savage and merciless beating Stewie gives Brian for not paying back owed money on time. The baby genius is in a constant, one-sided war with Lois. I’ll always remember his reaction once he saw that it was Peter trying to breast feed him, not Lois.
12. Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) – The Office 2005-present
“Question.” “Fact.” Let’s face it, Dwight is just as important as Michael Scott in making this show work. Workaholic. Stickler. Assistant (to the) Regional Manager. Beet farmer. Lover of the office prude, Angela. The pranks that Jim has pulled on Dwight have been the lifeblood of the show. Dwight’s blind faith and following of the office numbskull, Michael Scott is nothing short of hilarious. I’m not sure if the Office can last without Michael Scott. I don’t think it could without Dwight Schrute.
11. John Locke (Terry O’Quinn) – Lost 2004-2010
Don’t tell him what he can’t do. John Locke was the most captivating of all the plane crash survivors. He drove the first season as a counterpoint to Jack. He always felt the island was more than just an island. And once he discovered the hatch the series of events that played out over the next five seasons proved him right. Terry O’Quinn is a mesmerizing actor (check out the original Stepfather). You wanted Locke to find his answers and solace. You didn’t know what to make of it when Ben Linus killed him. You were happy to see him again when he resurfaced but didn’t know how to take it when you realized it wasn’t John Locke. It was the Man in Black in the possession of Locke’s body. It didn’t matter. John Locke in any form was fun to watch and also served as a major part of the story arch. (By the way, I loved. . . LOVED the last episode of LOST. To make the “sideways” world a “pre-heaven” type of existence and letting each character come to the realization of where they were and what it all meant was brilliant. The last 15 minutes of the last episode are very touching.)
10. Larry David (Larry David) – Curb Your Enthusiasm 2000-present
Larry David perpetually has his foot in his mouth. He has an outrageous knack for saying and doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. He is the real life George Costanza. Here’s the irony of the character, you find yourself in agreeance with him almost all the time. You realized the situations he’s in are apart of his own doing, but at the core you find him to be right. The smallest infraction will set of a chain of events that lead to exorbitant situations. Larry David cannot get through one day without inadvertently offending someone or someone doing the same to him. The unique style of the show sets it apart from all of the others.
9. Al Swearengen (Ian McShane) – Deadwood 2004-2006
He is a hotel operator, saloon owner and overall lord of the town of Deadwood, South Dakota. He continuously finds himself on the opposite side of the fence of Seth Bullock (the show's hero). Swearengen is mean, crass, dirty, direct and unassumingly funny. Deadwood somehow only lasted three seasons, but Swearengen was the character to watch. His corruption and diabolical plans fed many of the story arcs.
8. Michael Scott (Steve Carell) – The Office 2005-present
The misguided king of The Office. Michael Scott is ignorant and has absolutely no self awareness. He propels every story in The Office. What makes Michael Scott, Michael Scott? His borderline homosexual love for Ryan Howard, the banter and feelings he has for the love of his life (Holly), his misguided views on. . . . . well, everything, his contempt for Dwight, his adoration for Todd Packer and his need to be the center of attention at all possible times. Don’t you dare announce that you are awaiting your skin cancer results on his birthday. He wants to be loved. He needs to be loved. The Office is shot documentary style, so the camera is always in play. Michael Scott’s constant glances into the camera are well timed and funny. No other show (other than Modern Family) utilizes this style so well.
7. Sam Malone (Ted Danson) – Cheers 1982-1993
Everyone loves Sam Malone. I wouldn’t classify him as a womanizer but he definitely loved the babes. The romance and subsequent breakups between he and Dianne were of epic proportions. The new found chemistry he had with Kirstie Alley somehow made us all forget about Diane Chambers. Sam wasn’t a dimwit, but he wasn’t the most intelligent guy either. He would always get swept up in the half baked schemes and shenanigans that were on display at Cheers. His prank battles with Gary’s Old Towne Tavern were some of the better episodes. Heck, they even got Kevin McHale to appear in one of these episodes. The episode where Gary fakes his death and everyone (I mean everyone, even the gang at Cheers) is in on it except Sam is classic. Only at the end of the episode once Sam has finally come to the realization that Gary is dead does he (Gary) come back to life by pulling a switcharo with Woody . If you were a woman you wanted to date Sam Malone, if you were a guy you wanted him as your buddy. I also loved the fact that they made him a recovering alcoholic who owned a bar. Very clever.
6. Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
I could throw you quotes-a-plenty from Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry had a new girlfriend every episode which always presented him with new dilemmas. Isn’t that right, Schmoopie? I loved his contempt for his Uncle Leo and his eternal battle with Newman. The banter between the main four cast members was untouchable. Jerry was the center of it all. He played the straight man to Kramer’s zaniness and George’s neurosis. He was quick with the wit, but do not try to kiss him hello. Iconic, classic character.
5. Andy Bernard (Ed Helms) – The Office 2005-present
The “Nard Dog.” I may like Andy Bernard a little more than others. Ed Helms has hit a homerun with this character. He’s equal parts clueless, helpful, annoying, funny, wingman, and intrusive. He graduated from Cornell, maybe you’ve heard of it. He has a long standing relationship with his college a capella group, Here Comes Treble. He is prone to lose his temper although he has taken classes for that. Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them because they are unfair. I loved the time when Andy didn’t know if he was gay or not (based upon the rumors that were going around the office). “Michael, am I gay?”
4. Al Bundy (Ed O’Neill) – Married With Children 1987-1997
This is the cream of the crop. Al Bundy was an icon. He had the worst luck in the world. That is to say he was cursed. He had a horny wife that he never wanted to have sex with. He had two kids that he didn’t particularly care for. He had a dog that he didn’t feed. He had a job to be laughed at (a shoe salesman). He was constantly hungry as Peg never cooked anything at home, not that there was anything to cook. He had a fond affection for “hooters” (the chest apparatuses, not the restaurant. . . . . well, he probably would’ve liked the restaurant too). He had a neighbor he couldn’t stand (Marcy). He had the unfortunate task of having to deal with “fat” women all day. Who was Al Bundy? Just watch him walk across the threshold of his front door, “Ahhh, home sweet hell.”
3. Dan Fielding (John Larroquette) – Night Court 1984-1992
The character of Dan Fielding was so good that John Larroquette won 4 straight Emmy Awards for Best Supporting Actor. Why didn’t he win more? Because after his fourth win he took his name out of contention. Even he recognized that he was playing the best character on television and wanted to give someone else a chance to win. The character was that good. Dan Fielding was sleazy, self involved, womanizing and a tremendous source of humor for Night Court. As the assistant district attorney he came in contact with the low lifes of society. Not only did they disgust him but they provided a breeding ground for his well timed jokes. Dan Fielding is probably the best supporting cast member in any sitcom ever (with the exception of #1). If not, he’s darn close.
2. Peter Griffin (Seth MacFarlane) – Family Guy 1999-present
He’s a cartoon that doesn’t age. The freedom to do whatever they want with this character is endless. There are way too many specifics to cite as to why Peter Griffin is a character immortal. You only need to watch one episode of Family Guy to see what he’s all about. He redefines over the top, ignorant and clueless. It’s almost impossible to put him into words. “Ding! Fries are done. Ding! Fries are done. Ding! Fries are done. I gotta run. I gotta run. I gotta run. Would you like an apple piiiie with that? Would you like an apple piiiie with that?” Frickin’ sweet!
1. Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
The best character on any show, ever. Any description I would give would not do him justice. I’ll let Kramer speak for himself.
“I'm on the corner of first, and first. Wait a minute. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe!”
“All right, FDR; this wish is for all the marbles. You win, you get your wish: I drop dead. I win: I don't drop dead, and I get one-hundred-percent anti-drop-dead protection - forever.”
“Cage-free, farm fresh eggs.”
“I've been drinking café lattes since the fifth grade and I haven't looked back.”
“I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it!”
“You'll be the first modern-day pirate, Jerry!”
“Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.”
“Oh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.”
“You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I’d be standing here about to solve the world’s energy problems, I would’ve said you’re crazy… Now let’s push this giant ball of oil out the window.” (MY FAVORITE EPISODE)
“. . . Then, I notice that he's not alone! I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys!”
“No Jerry! I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken, you leave those roasters alone, Kenny never hurt anybody.”
“They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!”
“I'm gonna surround myself with wood! Wood Jerry! Wood!”
“She's got the jimmy legs!”
I can say that I’ve watched more TV than most people. 25 years ago there wasn’t a lot of viewing options. It was easier to keep tabs on shows. Today it is near impossible.
My love for list making is only superseded by my love for my family, gyros and perogies. Hence, I have compiled a list of my TOP 100 television characters of all time. The key word here is “my.”
This list is to be savored. Savored like the first 14 seconds of chewing a piece of Bazooka bubble gum.
Agree or disagree, I hope you enjoy.
100. Chris Peterson (Chris Elliott) – Get a Life! 1990-1992
I have to go on my scattered memories from 19 years ago on this one. He was a 30 year old paper boy and the topics were absolutely zany. I remember watching this show and getting a huge kick out of Chris Elliott. His real life father played his dad on the show. I’d love to watch a few episodes again to see if it was as funny as I remember. Since there were only 35 total episodes you won’t catch this in syndication anywhere.
99. Henry Rush (Ted Knight) – Too Close for Comfort 1980-1987
Of course Ted Knight’s character of Ted Baxter is more memorable. The thing is, I’ve never seen too many episodes of Mary Tyler Moore. I thought I remembered this show as having a nice four year run. Wrong. It lasted 129 episodes. I’m not sure if anyone plays “disgruntled” better than Ted Knight. I can just see his eyes getting as big as saucers because of some misunderstanding with Monroe (Jim J. Bullock). Ted Knight passed away in 1986.
98. Buddy Lembeck (Willie Aames) – Charles in Charge 1984-1990
I have a few guilty pleasure picks on this list. Count dimwitted Buddy Lembeck as one. It’s been a while since I’ve seen an episode so I may be disappointed to see how “lame-brain” this character actually is, but I always thought it was funny when Buddy would come bursting into a room, look right at Charles and say, “Charles, it’s me. . . Buddy.”
97. Eddie Finnerty (Kevin Corrigan) – Grounded for Life 2001-2005
Did you ever see this show? It was on FOX, so that means you didn’t. But, it was funny. Eddie was the brother of the main character Sean (Donal Logue). They were always getting into some sort of hijinx and Eddie was the one who had the most abstract, often dark or violent solution to the problem. You’ll also see Kevin Corrigan in Superbad (period girl’s boyfriend). He’s the type of actor that has an intangible quality that makes his style all his own.
96. Sandra Clark (Jackee Harry) – 227 1985-1989
The prissy and voluptuous neighbor on 227. Her calling card was the way she would say, “M-a-a-a-a-ry.” If you’ve seen the show you know exactly what I’m talking about.
95. Kirk Morris (Jere Burns) – Dear John 1988-1992
If you weren’t a TV junkie like me, you may have never watched this show. Heck, you may have never heard of it. Judd Hirsch (of Taxi fame) was the star. Judd Hirsch’s character (John) was left by his wife. So he joins a support group for divorced and widowed people. Kirk was the womanizer of the group. His trademark was how he said his own name. I can’t duplicate it with typing. I don’t even think I could duplicate it orally (That’s what she said . . . . just wait. The Office characters are coming. Um, that’s what she said.). Jere Burns, I remember “Kiiirk” after 20 years, and I think I’ve often tried imitating you a few times. For that sir, you make my list.
94. Dale Gribble (Johnny Hardwick) – King of the Hill 1997-2010
I have fallen in and out of love with King of the Hill over the years. It’s one of those shows where I can always find something better to watch. I believe there was a time when I didn’t have cable and FOX was airing it in reruns. This is when I saw most of my episodes. Dale Gribble was the character to watch. He lived in a world of complete paranoia. The government was always watching. The world was out to get him. Combine his paranoia with the fact that he was a bug exterminator and you have a winning combination.
93. John Black (Drake Hogestyn) – Days of our Lives 1965-present
Here is the curveball of the countdown. There were two stretches in my life where I watched the Days of Our Lives (both in the 90’s). John Black was the end all, be all for melodrama. His dramatics were so over the top that it was a sheer delight to watch. You remember Joey from Friends talking about “smell the fart” acting. This was Drake Hogestyn. I loved it when his love interest (Deidre Hall) was possessed by the devil. . . .or when he was in the gas chamber being executed but was saved just in time. . . . or when, never mind. You get the point. John Black will always live in my personal lore.
92. B.A. Baracus (Mr. T) – A-team 1983-1987
The 8 year old me thought he was the baddest man on Earth. When you watched the A-team you always waited for the scenes when they needed the muscle. You knew an ass-whoopin’ Mr. T. was right around the corner. I loved the quirk in the character that he was afraid to fly. Never mind that B.A. started showing signs of dementia when he was 40 years old; it was funny when they had to knock him out to get him onto a plane or helicopter.
91. Wayne Arnold (Jason Hervey) – The Wonder Years 1988-1993
He played the perfect big brother to Kevin Arnold. Caring, nurturing, involved . . . . . yeah right! His constant meddling and picking on Kevin was great, and if you waited long enough you would get his classic, “Butthead!” nickname that he peppered Kevin with.
90. Cliff Barnes (Ken Kercheval) – Dallas 1978-1991
I’ve seen many episodes of Dallas. My mom loved the show so we watched it. I know, Larry Hageman playing J.R. Ewing is classic. I liked him, but I liked Cliff Barnes even more. Cliff was always at odds with J.R. He was crass and tasteless. He was perfect, just perfect for this show.
89. Larry (William Sanderson) – Newhart 1982-1990
“I’m Larry. This is my brother Darryl. This is my other brother Darryl.” Enough said.
88. Paul Lassiter (Richard Kind) – Spin City 1996-2002
Clueless, neurotic, annoying and loveable. Richard Kind seems to play this character perfectly. He plays a somewhat similar version in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Sitcoms need this type of character. He was definitely worth watching in Spin City.
87. Oswald Harvey (Diedtrich Bader) – The Drew Carey Show 1995-2004
Great, slightly dim-witted character. Drew Carey was never a “must watch” for me, but I’ve seen enough episodes. Diedtrich Bader is a memorable, supporting comedic actor.
86. John Allen Hill (Keene Curtis) – Cheers 1982-1993
John Allen Hill was in 15 episodes late in the Cheers’ run. He was the proprietor of the restaurant upstairs from Cheers. He played the enemy to Sam Malone and in some episodes literally drove him crazy. Even funnier was that he was having an affair with Carla. He was unwavering and direct and made Sam’s skin crawl when he walked down the stairs and announced his arrival with a, “Ohh, S-a-a-a-m.”
85. Arthur Carlson (Gordon Jump) – WKRP in Cincinnati 1978-1982
The “big guy” was in charge at WKRP. Well, not really. Mother Carlson was truly in charge, but Arthur Carlson was in charge of the day to day operations. He was loveable and clueless all at once. Gordon Jump played it tremendously. Remember the episode when Johnny Fever confiscated cocaine from the new DJ and Mr. Carlson confronted Fever about it. Carlson was told that it was foot powder. Without missing a beat he proceeded to put some on his foot . . . . . and the comedy ensued.
84. Andy (Larry Joe Campbell) – According to Jim 2001-2009
I have only seen this show in re-runs. Jim Beluschi is funny. I’ve always like him. I love the character of Andy. He’s usually at the butt end of the joke. His timing and presence are right on the money. Larry Joe Campbell just proves that if you are portly and have an ounce of comedic timing and shtick there will always be a job for you in T.V. and movies. Check out the best man speech at Claire’s sister’s wedding in Wedding Crashers. Good, good stuff.
83. Janice Litman (Maggie Wheeler) – Friends 1994-2004
“Ohhh. . . . my. . . . . God!” Do you think Maggie Wheeler knew she locked down one of the best catch phrases of the 90’s the first time she uttered these three words? Fact – Janice episodes are THAT much better when watching Friends. She was in 19 of them.
82. Henry Desmond – (Peter Scolari)- Bosom Buddies 1980-1982
Hilarious, short lived show that was comedy gold. Peter Scolari and Tom Hanks needed a place to live. The only place available was an apartment complex for women. So of course the only solution was to dress in drag and move it. No, this premise never got old. This show was funny and I only wish there were more episodes of it.
81. Roy Biggins (David Schramm) – Wings 1990-1997
Roy worked at the competing airline on Nantucket Island on Wings. He was known to double cross the Hackett’s while keeping some civility in the relationship. He was big, kind of greasy, kind of sleazy and always funny. AND, he possess one of my favorite television names ever. . . “Roy Biggins.” It’s as if Al Bundy named him himself.
80. Lewis Kiniski (Ryan Stiles) – The Drew Carey Show 1995-2004
Lewis was the partner in crime with Oswald on the Drew Carey Show. The difference between the two was Ryan Stiles. You name it, Stiles can do it (as he has proven on Whose Line is it Anyway?) His expressions, his timing – funny. He is one of the few people that is always funny. Being a master at impromptu comedy only enhances his standing.
79. Balki Bartokomous (Bronson Pinchot) – Perfect Strangers 1986-1993
I know you remember this show. Quick, how many episodes aired? 50? Maybe 75? Nope. 150 episodes! This show was mindlessly funny and obviously they were able to keep it fresh for quite some time. Balki was the foreign cousin to Larry Appleton. Every jam they got themselves into saw Larry being over-panicked and frenzied. Balki was quite the opposite. “Don’t be ridiculous.” That ranks high up there on catch phrases over the last 30 years. Bronson Pinchot was so good that you actually believed he was foreign and that was his true accent. Oh, this might be one of my favorite theme songs of any show. It was perfect for the time.
78. Barney Gumble (Dan Castellanetta) – Simpsons 1989-present
The drunken Simpson’s mainstay. Barney has earned the right to make this list by slamming Duff’s and belching for 22 years.
77. Herb Tarlek (Frank Bonner) – WKRP in Cincinnati 1978-1982
This show had the chops to make a long run of it. When it was all said and done they totaled only 90 episodes. If Perfect Strangers could knock out 150 you’d think WKRP would have some staying power as well. WKRP had some good characters, but Herb was my favorite. He sucked up to the “big guy,” Mr. Carlson. He was always after the receptionist, Jennifer (Lonnie Anderson), even though he was married. And he wore the BEST, I’m talking about the most fantastically horrible suits a man could wear for that time. Frank Bonner played him well. This too has one of my favorite theme songs in TV history. Have you ever tried to figure out the lyrics during the closing credits? Don’t bother. It’s gibberish.
76. Taco (Jonathan Lajoie) – The League 2009-present
Who? I know. Not many people watch this show. Taco is the most aloof of the group of guys in his fantasy football league. His zany antics, off beat sense of reality and great timing make him an original (and hilarious) character. If he tells you he’s a notary, don’t believe him.
75. Jim Ignatowski (Christopher Lloyd) – Taxi 1978-1983
My favorite space cadet. Iggy was the brain-fried cabbie that you couldn’t help but love. He was always quick to help out Louie when he was summoned. He was the only one that didn’t see the creep DePalma was. I loved that relationship. Jim Ignatowski was part of one of the great (I mean great) back and forth’s in TV history. To Bobby Wheeler, “What does a yellow light mean?” Reply, “Slow down.” Hopefully this clip is on YouTube. Find it and watch it. Jeff Conaway’s reaction is great as Christopher Lloyd replies, “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat doooooooooeeeees aaaaaaaa yeeeeeeeeellloooooowwww liiiiiiiighttttt meeeeeeeaaaaaan?”
“Slow down.”
“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. . . . . . . .”
74. Ralph Furley (Don Knotts) – Three’s Company 1977-1984
Don Knotts gets a seat at the table. The outfits, my God the outfits. Knotts is a comedic gem from the old school. He knows funny. And of course, the face. The face Ralph Furley would make if something struck his chagrin. It looked like he just stuck his finger into a light socket. Priceless.
73. Latka Gravas (Andy Kaufman) – Taxi 1978-1983
If you didn’t know, you thought Andy Kaufman was from some European country. The accent was unique and real. When he broke off and started speaking in his completely made up and phony dialect it was classic. The garage mechanic stole every seen that he was in. He was the Cosmo Kramer of his day.
72. Luther Van Dam (Jerry Van Dyke) – Coach 1989-1997
There is something to be said for the loveable, dim characters that bring so much humor to television shows. Luther was right on the money. He was the assistant football coach to Hayden Fox and was responsible for many of the jams and misunderstandings the show experienced. Team him up with the even more dimmer and slightly less loveable, Dauber and comedy was afoot. He was probably responsible for 50% of the out loud laughs the show had.
71. Lennie Briscoe (Jerry Orbach) – Law & Order 1990-2010
Classic character. He had the snappy one-liners at the end of the first scene at the beginning to every show. You waited for it and he delivered. I love the characters that can maintain the drama 100% of the time but also insert wit and humor to give the character and the show that much more of an appeal. Although he looked older and weathered I never got the feeling that Jerry Orbach was just going through the motions. Even after 274 episodes he stayed sharp and kept Law & Order ahead of the pack.
70. Philip J. Fry (Billy West) – Futurama 1999-present
Futurama is great because the common rules don’t apply. The cartoon takes place 1,000 years in the future. That gives the writers and creators artistic license to do almost anything they want to. Often times they’ll make Fry a very sympathetic character. Most other times he is getting into trouble with his buddy Bender. His character isn’t that intelligent, but again, dim-witted, nose pickers seem to be funny.
69. Desmond Hume (Henry Ian Cusick) – Lost 2004-2010
“I don’t know, brutha,” “I’ll tell you what, brutha.” Desmond, you had me at “brutha.” Desmond served as the X factor to the Lost series. He wasn’t one of the crash survivors. He went from being the man in the hatch to being the most pivotal character on the show within a few seasons. The episodes where he is leaping in and out of consciousness (and time) are riveting. I also enjoyed his mission to “enlighten” everyone in the pre-heaven world in the last season.
68. Ruxin (Nick Kroll) – The League 2009-present
Clever, smartass, quick with the tongue characters always have a place in my heart. Ruxin is all of this. Ruxin provides the sharpest wit in a show filled of characters with sharp wit. Women should not be turned off by the content matter of this show. Although their fantasy football season is the plot device that binds them together the show is much more than that. My wife has watched some episodes and she likes it. I like the fact that they gave the somewhat-nerdy Ruxin a smoking hot wife. He is fully aware of it, and doesn’t quite understand it himself. Funny, funny show.
67. Frank Barone (Peter Boyle) – Everybody Loves Raymond 1996-2005
“Holy crap!” Usually shows will show a tender, softer side to a character like this as the show develops. Not Frank Barone. With the exception of maybe one episode he has remained crass, direct and crusty throughout the run of the show. Peter Boyle passed away a few years ago, but this character definitely lives on.
66. Ellie Torres (Christa Miller) – Cougar Town 2009-present
Christa Miller is so sharp and quick with this character that I need to watch the show in subtitles. I miss so much when I don’t. Cougar Town has a unique style of humor all its own. Ellie Torres is the sharpest and most direct of the characters. She has her husband, Andy, hanging by a string; she is the through thick and thin best friend of Jules; and is always in a constant verbal assault with Laurie. Her dialogue is clever and she delivers every episode. You’ll also recognize her from The Drew Carey Show.
65. Brian Hackett (Steven Weber) – Wings 1990-1997
Brian was the funnier and more wild of the two Hackett brothers. Wings was a great (underappreciated) show. Steven Weber was at the center of it all.
64. Hal (Bryan Cranston) – Malcolm in the Middle 2000-2006
When I think of Hal I picture him panicked and frenzied, racing a million miles an hour to put out the latest fire. Hal always had to maintain the balance between the kids and his wife, Lois. He is at his best when trying to maintain the order to what is an otherwise outrageous situation.
63. Lenny & Squiggy (Michael McKean & David L. Lander) – Laverne & Shirley 1976-1983
“Hellooooo.” Their comedy antics made the show that much more successful. Comedy at this point in time was really harmless. These two goofballs were perfect for the era.
62. Bobby Simone (Jimmy Smits) – NYPD Blue 1993-2005
(To be sung in Jay & The Americans, “She Cried.”) “And when I saw thaaaaaaat Bobby Simooooooooooooooone diiiiiiiied. I-I-I-I-I criiiiiied.” I did. I remember specifically sitting in my living room in Cleveland when he died. He provided a counter balance to Dennis Franz’s impatient Andy Sipowicz. He wasn’t Sipowicz’s first partner and he wasn’t the last, but he was the most memorable. He appeared in 91 total episodes.
61. Marie Barone (Doris Roberts) – Everybody Loves Raymond 1996-2005
In many ways Marie Barone reminds me of my mom. Everything was 100% family and nothing would ever come before her two boys. The similarities stop there. Marie was so wonderfully intrusive and was never to be questioned. Marie was to be feared. She spoke her mind and always believed she was in the right. Her over-affection for Raymond and her often perceived disregard for Robert was one of the comedic anchors of the show.
60. Buffy Wilson (Tom Hanks) – Bosom Buddies 1980-1982
Before Tom Hanks was anything he was dressing in drag as Buffy Wilson in the short lived but hilarious Bosom Buddies. Watch this show if you ever have the opportunity. By day they were working at an ad agency; by night they were dressing in drag to preserve their residence. Brilliant.
59. David Addison Jr. (Bruce Willis) – Moonlighting 1985-1989
I have the hunch that Bruce Willis didn’t have to do much acting to portray David Addison. He worked opposite Maddie Hayes (Cybill Shepherd) as private investigators. The show fed off of Willis’ and Shepherd’s back and forth banter along with their sexual chemistry/tension. This was my introduction to Bruce Willis. Every character that Vince Vaughn has ever played originated with David Addison. Moonlighting only aired 54 episodes.
58. Jackie Harris (Laurie Metcalf) – Roseanne 1988-1997
She played Roseanne’s sister. She was likeable and very easy to relate to. When the show called for some serious topics Laurie Metcalf nailed it (like when her boyfriend had slapped her around a little). When the show called for comedy (which it quite often did), she was perfect. Sometimes she’d be over the top but she always remained believable and loveable. The show would not have been nearly as successful without her.
57. Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul) – Breaking Bad 2008-present
When you watch Breaking Bad you will remain glued to the television set. Aaron Paul is one half of the reason why. You wonder how they will ever get out of some of the situations they find themselves in (this is what happens when you make and deal meth). Just remember not to disintegrate a human body with acid in a bathtub. After it (the tub) comes crashing through the floor the clean up is very messy.
56. Carla Tortelli (Rhea Perlman) – Cheers 1982-1993
She was crass and blunt. She had more kids than you can count and boy oh, boy does Cliff Clavin get on her nerves. She delivered put down after put down and would sooner pull your hair out (or cut half of it off – Drusilla Dimeglio) than apologize to you.
55. Louie De Palma (Danny DeVito) – Taxi 1978-1983
A creep. They kept the taxi dispatcher in a cage about five feet higher than everyone else (a brilliant move). Louie was a sleaze. He was usually only into something if it benefitted him personally. His relationships with Jim Ignatowski and Latka Gravis were strong points of the show.
54. Uncle Leo (Len Lesser) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
“Jerry. . .Hello.” Len Lesser was only in 15 episodes but became a staple as Uncle Leo. I also enjoyed Len Lesser when he was in Everybody Loves Raymond.
53. Jackie Chiles (Phil Morris) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
“Jackie Chiles, that’s who.” Phil Morris only reprised his role as Jackie Chiles in 6 episodes. He is very memorable as the slick talking lawyer that Kramer always went to. “That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, vesivius, salacious, outrageous!”
52. Doug Heffernan (Kevin James) – King of Queens 1998-2007
Doug Heffernan is the one character on this countdown that most closely resembles me. It is so easy to identify with him. Kevin James has the comedic background to carry this show and make it a lot funnier than what it probably should be.
51. Dr. Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer) – Cheers 1982-1993
How can we make this guy funny? Let’s make him Diane’s pompous significant other. Okay. Let’s have Diane leave him at the altar. Funny. Let’s have him fall in love with and marry Lilith Sternin only to have that relationship go up in flames. Keep going. Then we’ll have him sit at the bar throughout the series dispensing sage advice to all of his bar mates while they proceed to ignore him thus putting him into a chronic state of disbelief of the ignorance around him. We’re there.
50. Robert Barone (Brad Garrett) – Everybody Loves Raymond 1996-2005
His reactions and overreactions were always perfectly done. The look on his face was priceless when he realized that he is being slighted (once again) for Raymond. He had the, “Oh my God, the secret just came out,” face when his eyes would double in size and he couldn’t figure out a way to get out of the situation. The character was made for him.
49. Jimmy James (Stephen Root) – News Radio 1995-1999
He was the owner of the station in New Radio. He always seemed aloof and disconnected all the while being completely savvy and one step ahead of everyone else. Everything always worked out for Jimmy James. Stephen Root’s delivery is what makes him a character to be remembered.
48. Martin Keamy (Kevin Durand) – Lost 2004-2010
He was only in about a dozen episodes. He played the leader of a mercenary team that ultimately killed Ben Linus’ daughter. There he was good. In the pre-heaven world in the last season he was an organized thug that had captured Jin and then summoned Sayid to the restaurant he was at. His conversations with both men, and the way he carried himself were so incredibly quirky. He was totally channeling his inner Christopher Walken when portraying the character in this season. It was here where he was great.
47. Trudy Wiegel (Kerri Kenny) – Reno 911 2003-2009
She spoke her dimwitted mind. In a sweet way she was vulgar and disgusting. She was probably the least qualified of the group of under qualified people to be a police officer. That was the beauty of Reno 911. Once you learn to take this show with a grain of salt you will begin to appreciate all of the characters. None more so than Trudy Wiegel.
46. Joey Tribbiani (Matt LeBlanc) – Friends 1994-2004
Upon hearing the gunshot, Joey dives across the car. Ross thinks he’s trying to save his life (half of the episode plays out like that). In the end it comes out that Joey was trying to save his meatball sub. Joey was so incredibly dim, but it worked. He coined the phrase, “the meat sweats.” You know, when you eat so much meat you begin to sweat? Exactly. Oh, and I almost forgot, “How you doin?”
45. Bud Bundy (David Faustino) – Married with Children 1987-1997
Married with Children was a staple of my television viewing. It was never missed by my dad and I. My favorite story arc with Bud is when he took on the persona of Grand Master B. He pretended to be a gangster rapper from the streets. He acted tough and picked up girls. His sister Kelly was continuously calling him the wrong name, “Grasshopper B,” “Bed wetter B,” “Dishwasher B,” “Gas passer B.” I loved it.
44. Tommy Solomon (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) – 3rd Rock from the Sun 1996-2001
Just your average show where 4 aliens take the form of humans in an effort to gain all of the intelligence they can about the human race. Tommy was the information officer. Although he was the youngest (in real life) of the Solomon’s his alien counterpart was the oldest. So you have an advanced, intelligent being in the body of a teenager experiencing all of the issues/problems that teenagers face. His character was the most grounded of the 4 but that’s not saying much.
43. Cam Tucker (Eric Stonestreet) – Modern Family 2009-present
The gayest person on TV has the most heterosexual name in real life. Cam’s over the top flamboyance is hysterical. Each character on the show fits just right. The beauty of Stonestreet is that he is not gay in real life. He plays the character that well.
42. Frank Costanza (Jerry Stiller) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
“Jerry, it’s Frank Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner is here. George is dead. Call me back.” Possibly my favorite line of any Seinfeld episode. Frank Costanza is explosive and explosively funny. He appeared in 27 episodes.
41. Hayden Fox (Craig T. Nelson) – Coach 1989-1997
I can always picture the look of anguish, disgust and disappointment on Hayden Fox’s face. It’s the look of “I want to watch the football game, but we have to go to the ballet.” Who knew Craig T. Nelson would have such great comedic timing. It seemed every episode he would do something to throw his relationship with Shelley Fabaras into turmoil and then work to rectify it the remainder of the episode. Johnny Angel he was not. Coach was funny. Craig T. Nelson was a big reason.
40. Homer Simpson (Dan Castellaneta) – The Simpsons 1989-present
An all-time classic. Iconic. My only problem with the Simpsons (through no fault of their own) is that The Family Guy killed them. The Simpsons do not make me laugh any more. Homer Simpson has slowly fallen down this list year by year (but will always hold a place in my heart). The Simpsons are the girlfriend you had 10 years ago. At the time she was attractive, ambitious and witty. Now she is a chain smoking, overweight mother of three. “D’oh!”
39. Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry) – Friends 1994-2004
I like all six of the friends. They’ve all had their moments and have made me laugh countless times. When I began to take inventory about who I enjoyed the most and/or who made me laugh the most, Chandler Bing rose to the top. In early seasons his wit is just a little too cute (or corny), but over the duration of the show he has had some of its best moments. My favorite episode is when Joey and Chandler battle Monica and Rachel for the apartment (questions created by Ross). Chandler was 19 when he first touched a girl’s breast (contrary to Rachel’s guess of 14).
38. Bender (John Di Maggio) – Futurama 1999-present
A cigar smoking, alcohol drinking, gambling, womanizing robot. I love Bender. Although his best buddy is Fry, he still has a general disregard for the human race. Futurama is under watched and Bender is underappreciated.
37. Rebecca Howe (Kirstie Alley) – Cheers 1982-1993
She had the impossible task of making us forget Shelly Long. Somehow, she did it. I enjoy Rebecca Howe much more than Diane Chambers. When they first introduced her character she was very businesslike and driven. That quickly evolved to an insecure, neurotic mess. She had the “hots” for Evan Drake. She dated her “Sweet baby” Robin Colcord and she never gave Sam Malone the time of day.
36. Sally Solomon (Kristen Johnston) – 3rd Rock from the Sun 1996-2001
As part of the four person team of aliens (disguised as humans), Sally was in charge of security. She was the muscle of the group. The funny thing was that she was a six foot blond bombshell. They gave her great lines in outrageous plots. To see Harry, Tommy and Sally concoct various schemes as they discover things on the Earth for the first time was hilarious to watch.
35. Bull Shannon (Richard Moll) – Night Court 1984-1992
Maybe the most loveable character on the list. Bull’s hulking presence and laid back demeanor was a signature of Night Court. “Oooooh-Kay.” Stroke of genius – make Bull dimwitted and a little slow but give him an IQ of 181. Brilliant. If you watched Night Court, you liked Bull.
34. Jefferson D’Arcy (Ted McGinley) – Married with Children 1987-1997
Al Bundy’s official sidekick and trophy husband to neighbor Marcy D’acry. Ted McGinley quickly found a home when he arrived. He had the task of replacing Steve (Marcy’s quick witted first husband). Like Kirstie Alley, he made you forget all about his predecessor. Jefferson was at his best when Al and Marcy were trading barbs with each other. Jefferson would stand behind Marcy and laugh and shake his head in agreeance with Al only to be stopped in his tracks once Marcy turned around. More importantly Jefferson was a founding member of “NO MA’AM.” He appeared in 166 episodes.
33. Beavis & Butthead (Mike Judge) – Beavis & Butthead 1993-1997
You either LOVED them or you HATED them. Either way you knew characters like this wouldn’t have any staying power so you better enjoy them while they’re here. When I watch them now they are about 70% as funny as when they were at their peak. I think my biggest laughs came from the first time I saw the “Cornholio” episode. I remember sitting in a movie theater on a weekday in Cleveland watching “Beavis & Butthead Do America.” I was the only one in the theater. To this day this is the only time it’s ever happened to me. I’m not sure what it means.
32. Walter H. White (Bryan Cranston) – Breaking Bad 2008-present
Tense drama. He’s a high school chemistry teacher. He’s told that he has terminal cancer. He wants to make sure his wife and son are taken care of when he’s gone so the next logical move is to. . . . . . that’s right, start making and distributing crystal meth. Oh, and his brother in law is in law enforcement heading up the task force looking for the crystal meth dealers. Bryan Cranston has to walk the tightrope every single show. He must keep his dark life a secret from his family all the while maintaining a working relationship with his numbskull partner Jesse. This show packs high drama. Interestingly, Bryan Cranston is the only actor to appear twice on this list. He was in the running for a third as the dentist Tim Whatley from Seinfeld.
31. Ben Linus (Michael Emerson) – Lost 2004-2010
I watched my first episode of Lost in the beginning of 2010. I got caught up on the first 5 seasons (rapid fire) before the sixth season started. I was well aware of Michael Emerson’s haunting character of Ben Linus before he was introduced onto the show as I played catch-up. I didn’t know who he was, but his one of a kind look stuck with me when I saw previews for Lost (before I committed to the show). The Ben Linus ride is the most intriguing one of anyone on the list. Bad. Bad. Good. Bad. Going to hell bad. Bad. Signs of good. Bad. Trying to redeem himself. Good. Bad. Good. You get the point. He always left you guessing. You were always captivated by him.
30. Norm Peterson (George Wendt) – Cheers 1982-1993
“Norm!” Was there ever a character in any show that physically moved less than George Wendt? Sit here, drink this fake beer and zing jokes all episode. He loved beer. He was lazy and he knew it. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and he’s wearing Milk Bone underwear.
29. George Costanza (Jason Alexander) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
“Can’t you see? He’s wearing the glasses to fool Lloyd Braun.” George is a day late and a dollar short. He was derived directly from Larry David’s persona. The only break George ever received was accidentally killing his wife with toxic wedding envelops when he didn’t want to get married in the first place. They were expecting about 200 people. George’s alter ego was Art Vandelay, he was in love with Marissa Tomei and he couldn’t stand the well to do, Lloyd Braun. There are countless characteristics that make George, George. He was a one of a kind character.
28. Harry Solomon (French Stewart) – 3rd Rock from the Sun 1996-2001
French Stewart was the extremely dimwitted alien, Harry Solomon. He had the transmitting device inserted within him so the aliens were able to send and receive message to/from The Big Giant Head. His squinty eyes, his furry coat, his passionate love affair with Vicki Dubcek, his ability to misinterpret almost everything – all classic. Harry’s misguided philosophy on. . . . everything made him unforgettable.
27. Woody Boyd (Woody Harrelson) – Cheers 1982-1993
Before Kirstie Alley had the task of replacing Diane Chambers, Woody Harrelson had to do the same with Coach Ernie Pantusso. Nicholas Colasanto had passed away. They needed to replace him. So they brought in a loveable, young country bumpkin to replace a loveable, old country bumpkin. The comedic timing of Woody Boyd was top notch. He may have generated the most laughs during his time on the show. If you recall it was Woody’s ability to make a Screaming Viking that saved his job. The cucumber was slightly bruised.
26. Lowell Mather (Thomas Haden Church) – Wings 1990-1997
Back to back in the countdown, the two characters are very similar to each other. Like Woody Boyd, Lowell Mather was the slow, dense mechanic on Wings. Lowell’s rationale would make his coworkers scratch their heads, it made me laugh endlessly. I’m not sure how fully appreciated Wings was. It was a very good show. Thomas Haden Church was always funny.
25. Brian Griffin (Seth MacFarlane) – Family Guy 1999-present
The voice of reason amongst an otherwise insane cast of characters. He ogles his best friend’s wife, he’s an alcoholic and his partner in crime is an infant, Stewie. Yes, he’s the “sane” one in the group. He is the yin to both Peter and Stewie’s yang. The Peter and Brian episodes. Great. The Stewie and Brian episodes. Great. He is a tremendously equalizing character. I love when animals have human names. “Brian” the dog. Love it.
24. David Puddy (Patrick Warburton) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
Patrick Warburton was only in 10 episodes. He was the chest painting, 8-ball coat wearing, Arby’s loving, garbage disposal installing, staring off into space, quasi-squinty eyed, on again off again boyfriend of Elaine Benes. He was aloof and dead panned in his responses. He stole scenes. Excluding the core four he was my favorite character on Seinfeld.
23. Elliot Stabler (Christopher Meloni) – Law & Order SVU 1999-present
Alpha male. Always on point. Passionate about his job, sometimes over passionate. I’ve always found myself rooting for Stabler even the times when you know he is crossing the line or doing something wrong. His loyalty and intensity are two of his strongest characteristics. He is one half of the reason why SVU is going strong into its 13th year.
22. Cliff Clavin (John Ratzenberger) – Cheers 1982-1993
Cliff was the resident “know-it-all” at Cheers. Most episodes found him wearing his one size too small postman’s uniform. I admired his friendship with, “Normie,” and I thought Carla’s massive intolerance of him was hilarious. One of my favorite Cliff moments came when he was on Jeopardy. He dominated the whole show. Every category was right in his wheel house (CIVIL SERVANTS, STAMPS FROM AROUND THE WORLD, MOTHERS AND SONS, BEER, BAR TRIVIA, and CELIBACY). Cliff had a commanding lead going into final jeopardy. The category was (MOVIES). The answer (Archibald Leach, Bernard Schwartz and Lucille LeSueur). Clavin is stumped. This leads to his classic answer of, “Who are three people who've never been in my kitchen?" He arrogantly wagers all of his money and the contestant left with $400 wins. Cliff’s Jeopardy dreams go down in smoke. Great episode. Wonderful character.
21. Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
“It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alllllriiiight. She moves in mysterious ways.” Her dancing was described as a “full body dry heave.” She was clever, attractive and relatively shallow. I can’t envision another actress filling the role of Elaine. What stands out in my head? When she would hold back her tears, like that time when she couldn’t go to Atlantic City because she had to purchase socks for Mr. Pitt; her relationships with men, specifically David Puddy; her hatred of the English Patient; being mistaken for Suzie. . . . I could go on and on.
20. Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day) – It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia 2005-present
I have now seen more than enough episodes of Philadelphia to know that I love this show. All 5 characters are outrageously funny. The scenarios, content and language of this show make the FCC sweat every week. I guarantee it. Charlie Kelly rises to the top of this cast. When you first see him in action you think, “Bobcat Goldthwait.” He’s much more developed than Bobcat. Pound for pound this show gives me the most out loud laughs over any other show. I declare that it’s the funniest show you’re not watching.
19. Andy Sipowicz (Dennis Franz) – NYPD Blue 1993-2005
I watch NYPD Blue because of Andy Sipowicz. He was crass. He was unintentionally funny. He was overly devoted to his job. He was “hands on” during his interrogations. He would tell you exactly what he thought regardless of the repercussions. The heartache he suffered was immeasurable. Franz portrayed the character as a somewhat unlikeable, partially bigoted cop; but through it all he WAS likeable. Sipowicz was why you watched NYPD Blue.
18. Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) – Law & Order: SVU 1999-present
Strongest lead actress on television. Period. Olivia Benson is captivating, endearing, intelligent, intense and somehow remains sexy in an unsexy role. Benson is the calming presence to Stabler’s live wire routine. Countless episodes have illustrated Benson gaining the trust of the “bad guy” and getting them to reveal information to help solve the case. I am such a fan of Mariska Hargitay’s character that had my little boy, Charlie, been a girl he would have been named Olivia. I read that Olivia was the third most common name of newborns over the last few years. I believe this character provides a direct correlation to that.
17. Dick Solomon (John Lithgow) – 3rd Rock from the Sun 1996-2001
(As he gazes into a mirror) “Look at me. I’m GORGEOUS!” Dick Solomon was the patriarch of the four “person” alien family that resided in Rutherford, OH. Dick’s reactions (and overreactions) to all events were unforgettable. His love for Mary Albright was unwavering. His knowledge of physics (which he taught at the local college) was super genius. His grasp of the every day doings of humans was rudimentary. He made it all work. Hilarious character. Hilarious premise. Hilarious show.
16. Glenn Quagmire (Seth MacFarlane) – Family Guy 1999-present
“Giggity, giggity.” The most sex driven character on any show, ever. He’s your airline pilot, he’s your drinking buddy, he’s responsible for the chloroform for your Friday night orgy. “Who else but Quagmire?” He’s obsessed with Lois, loves the show Wings and can pack a half dozen Asian hookers into his trunk. “Who else but Quagmire?”
15. Todd Packer (David Koechner) – The Office 2005-present
Todd Packer has only appeared in 8 episodes. I think the creators realize that Packer in very small doses is a classic television character. I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that he is an over the top, drunken, womanizing sexist; or the fact the Michael Scott puts him on a pedestal and idolizes his behavior and antics. When someone took a steaming dump in the middle of Michael’s office he was at first clueless, then he became very upset because he thought someone had done it out of hatred. Once he found out that it was Packer he thought it was hilarious.
I gotta have more Packer. I need more Packer. I got a fever and the only cure is more Packer.
14. Bill McNeal (Phil Hartman) – News Radio 1995-1999
His murder ended his run on News Radio. His ego was huge as one of the on air personalities at WNYX. His “friendship” and constant toying with Andy Dick’s “Matthew” was classic. Bill thought he was better than everyone else even though his sense of entitlement was misguided. News Radio floundered after his death and was eventually pulled. Phil Hartman was one of the staples of the show.
13. Stewie Griffin (Seth MacFarlane) – Family Guy 1999-present
When I first saw Family Guy back in 1999 I did not like this character. A little baby with a British accent? Hated it. Now I cannot get enough. Stewie has contempt for everyone. Only in later episodes has he developed a special bond with Brian the dog. And by special bond I mean the savage and merciless beating Stewie gives Brian for not paying back owed money on time. The baby genius is in a constant, one-sided war with Lois. I’ll always remember his reaction once he saw that it was Peter trying to breast feed him, not Lois.
12. Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) – The Office 2005-present
“Question.” “Fact.” Let’s face it, Dwight is just as important as Michael Scott in making this show work. Workaholic. Stickler. Assistant (to the) Regional Manager. Beet farmer. Lover of the office prude, Angela. The pranks that Jim has pulled on Dwight have been the lifeblood of the show. Dwight’s blind faith and following of the office numbskull, Michael Scott is nothing short of hilarious. I’m not sure if the Office can last without Michael Scott. I don’t think it could without Dwight Schrute.
11. John Locke (Terry O’Quinn) – Lost 2004-2010
Don’t tell him what he can’t do. John Locke was the most captivating of all the plane crash survivors. He drove the first season as a counterpoint to Jack. He always felt the island was more than just an island. And once he discovered the hatch the series of events that played out over the next five seasons proved him right. Terry O’Quinn is a mesmerizing actor (check out the original Stepfather). You wanted Locke to find his answers and solace. You didn’t know what to make of it when Ben Linus killed him. You were happy to see him again when he resurfaced but didn’t know how to take it when you realized it wasn’t John Locke. It was the Man in Black in the possession of Locke’s body. It didn’t matter. John Locke in any form was fun to watch and also served as a major part of the story arch. (By the way, I loved. . . LOVED the last episode of LOST. To make the “sideways” world a “pre-heaven” type of existence and letting each character come to the realization of where they were and what it all meant was brilliant. The last 15 minutes of the last episode are very touching.)
10. Larry David (Larry David) – Curb Your Enthusiasm 2000-present
Larry David perpetually has his foot in his mouth. He has an outrageous knack for saying and doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. He is the real life George Costanza. Here’s the irony of the character, you find yourself in agreeance with him almost all the time. You realized the situations he’s in are apart of his own doing, but at the core you find him to be right. The smallest infraction will set of a chain of events that lead to exorbitant situations. Larry David cannot get through one day without inadvertently offending someone or someone doing the same to him. The unique style of the show sets it apart from all of the others.
9. Al Swearengen (Ian McShane) – Deadwood 2004-2006
He is a hotel operator, saloon owner and overall lord of the town of Deadwood, South Dakota. He continuously finds himself on the opposite side of the fence of Seth Bullock (the show's hero). Swearengen is mean, crass, dirty, direct and unassumingly funny. Deadwood somehow only lasted three seasons, but Swearengen was the character to watch. His corruption and diabolical plans fed many of the story arcs.
8. Michael Scott (Steve Carell) – The Office 2005-present
The misguided king of The Office. Michael Scott is ignorant and has absolutely no self awareness. He propels every story in The Office. What makes Michael Scott, Michael Scott? His borderline homosexual love for Ryan Howard, the banter and feelings he has for the love of his life (Holly), his misguided views on. . . . . well, everything, his contempt for Dwight, his adoration for Todd Packer and his need to be the center of attention at all possible times. Don’t you dare announce that you are awaiting your skin cancer results on his birthday. He wants to be loved. He needs to be loved. The Office is shot documentary style, so the camera is always in play. Michael Scott’s constant glances into the camera are well timed and funny. No other show (other than Modern Family) utilizes this style so well.
7. Sam Malone (Ted Danson) – Cheers 1982-1993
Everyone loves Sam Malone. I wouldn’t classify him as a womanizer but he definitely loved the babes. The romance and subsequent breakups between he and Dianne were of epic proportions. The new found chemistry he had with Kirstie Alley somehow made us all forget about Diane Chambers. Sam wasn’t a dimwit, but he wasn’t the most intelligent guy either. He would always get swept up in the half baked schemes and shenanigans that were on display at Cheers. His prank battles with Gary’s Old Towne Tavern were some of the better episodes. Heck, they even got Kevin McHale to appear in one of these episodes. The episode where Gary fakes his death and everyone (I mean everyone, even the gang at Cheers) is in on it except Sam is classic. Only at the end of the episode once Sam has finally come to the realization that Gary is dead does he (Gary) come back to life by pulling a switcharo with Woody . If you were a woman you wanted to date Sam Malone, if you were a guy you wanted him as your buddy. I also loved the fact that they made him a recovering alcoholic who owned a bar. Very clever.
6. Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
I could throw you quotes-a-plenty from Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry had a new girlfriend every episode which always presented him with new dilemmas. Isn’t that right, Schmoopie? I loved his contempt for his Uncle Leo and his eternal battle with Newman. The banter between the main four cast members was untouchable. Jerry was the center of it all. He played the straight man to Kramer’s zaniness and George’s neurosis. He was quick with the wit, but do not try to kiss him hello. Iconic, classic character.
5. Andy Bernard (Ed Helms) – The Office 2005-present
The “Nard Dog.” I may like Andy Bernard a little more than others. Ed Helms has hit a homerun with this character. He’s equal parts clueless, helpful, annoying, funny, wingman, and intrusive. He graduated from Cornell, maybe you’ve heard of it. He has a long standing relationship with his college a capella group, Here Comes Treble. He is prone to lose his temper although he has taken classes for that. Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them because they are unfair. I loved the time when Andy didn’t know if he was gay or not (based upon the rumors that were going around the office). “Michael, am I gay?”
4. Al Bundy (Ed O’Neill) – Married With Children 1987-1997
This is the cream of the crop. Al Bundy was an icon. He had the worst luck in the world. That is to say he was cursed. He had a horny wife that he never wanted to have sex with. He had two kids that he didn’t particularly care for. He had a dog that he didn’t feed. He had a job to be laughed at (a shoe salesman). He was constantly hungry as Peg never cooked anything at home, not that there was anything to cook. He had a fond affection for “hooters” (the chest apparatuses, not the restaurant. . . . . well, he probably would’ve liked the restaurant too). He had a neighbor he couldn’t stand (Marcy). He had the unfortunate task of having to deal with “fat” women all day. Who was Al Bundy? Just watch him walk across the threshold of his front door, “Ahhh, home sweet hell.”
3. Dan Fielding (John Larroquette) – Night Court 1984-1992
The character of Dan Fielding was so good that John Larroquette won 4 straight Emmy Awards for Best Supporting Actor. Why didn’t he win more? Because after his fourth win he took his name out of contention. Even he recognized that he was playing the best character on television and wanted to give someone else a chance to win. The character was that good. Dan Fielding was sleazy, self involved, womanizing and a tremendous source of humor for Night Court. As the assistant district attorney he came in contact with the low lifes of society. Not only did they disgust him but they provided a breeding ground for his well timed jokes. Dan Fielding is probably the best supporting cast member in any sitcom ever (with the exception of #1). If not, he’s darn close.
2. Peter Griffin (Seth MacFarlane) – Family Guy 1999-present
He’s a cartoon that doesn’t age. The freedom to do whatever they want with this character is endless. There are way too many specifics to cite as to why Peter Griffin is a character immortal. You only need to watch one episode of Family Guy to see what he’s all about. He redefines over the top, ignorant and clueless. It’s almost impossible to put him into words. “Ding! Fries are done. Ding! Fries are done. Ding! Fries are done. I gotta run. I gotta run. I gotta run. Would you like an apple piiiie with that? Would you like an apple piiiie with that?” Frickin’ sweet!
1. Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards) – Seinfeld 1990-1998
The best character on any show, ever. Any description I would give would not do him justice. I’ll let Kramer speak for himself.
“I'm on the corner of first, and first. Wait a minute. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe!”
“All right, FDR; this wish is for all the marbles. You win, you get your wish: I drop dead. I win: I don't drop dead, and I get one-hundred-percent anti-drop-dead protection - forever.”
“Cage-free, farm fresh eggs.”
“I've been drinking café lattes since the fifth grade and I haven't looked back.”
“I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it!”
“You'll be the first modern-day pirate, Jerry!”
“Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.”
“Oh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.”
“You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I’d be standing here about to solve the world’s energy problems, I would’ve said you’re crazy… Now let’s push this giant ball of oil out the window.” (MY FAVORITE EPISODE)
“. . . Then, I notice that he's not alone! I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys!”
“No Jerry! I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken, you leave those roasters alone, Kenny never hurt anybody.”
“They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!”
“I'm gonna surround myself with wood! Wood Jerry! Wood!”
“She's got the jimmy legs!”
Wednesday, January 19
2011 Conference Championship Picks
I was 2-2 last week, 3-5 in the playoffs. An expert I am not. I need to run the table to finish the post season with a winning record.
The most attractive Super Bowl match up is the Packers versus the Steelers. I think that’s the road destiny is leading us to.
All lines come from Danny Sheridan from the USA Today as of 1/19/11. Home team in CAPS.
STEELERS (-3 ½) vs. Jets
My dislike for the Jets continues to grow. The possibility that we could have a Mark Sanchez and Jay Cutler Super Bowl nauseates me.
The Jets have proven that they can go anywhere and win. Knocking out Manning and Brady in consecutive weeks is amazing. Adding Big Ben to the list would be nothing short of phenomenal . . . . . and then to beat Rodgers in the Super Bowl would be epic. It would be the most impressive road traveled to win a Super Bowl ever. We know they’re capable. I just keep waiting for the letdown. It hasn’t happened yet.
The difference between the Steelers and the Pats and Colts is that Ben Roethlisberger is evasive. He can scramble and create. Brady and Manning are two of the most immobile quarterbacks around. Ben will dazzle and make something out of nothing.
Steelers will need to get some kind of production from their run game. Regardless of the early results they can’t abandon it. If Mendenhall ends that game with 19 carries for 61 yards, that’s okay. Don’t give into the will of the Jets.
How do the matchups play out? Does Revis cover Wallace? I can’t wait for the first time that they send Wallace deep and Ben lofts the ball 55 yards through the air.
I expect a crisp game from Roethlisberger. I think we’ll see a lot of Heath Miller and Hines Ward.
Pittsburgh’s defense will be the difference in this game. Pittsburgh gave up 1,004 rushing on the season. #2 on the list? The Bears at 1,441. You can’t run on Pittsburgh.
Impact player for STEELERS: Troy Polamalu
Impact player for JETS: Santonio Holmes
PICK: STEELERS (-3 ½)
BEARS (+3 ½) vs. Packers
I stick by my pre-playoff assertion that Aaron Rodgers is beginning to structure his legend with this playoff run. He has proven they can control games even if their rushing attack is weak. This seems to be the team clicking on all cylinders right now.
The Bears MUST keep Rodgers off of the field. This means 5 to 8 minute scoring drives that result in points (or at the very least, field position). Third and longs and three and outs would kill the Bears. Matt Forte is the key to a Bears victory.
Did you know that Jay Cutler has the highest playoff winning percentage of all time (amongst quarterback’s with a minimum of one start)? He’s 1-0 baby.
Cutler, I won’t believe in you until you are being handed the Super Bowl trophy.
Impact player for BEARS: Matt Forte
Impact player for PACKERS: Clay Mathews
PICK: PACKERS (-3 ½)
Here’s how I view the best Super Bowl matchups.
1. Packers vs. Steelers
2. Bears vs. Steelers
3. Packers vs. Jets
4. Bears vs. Jets
(As the Jets continue to get no respect. . . . . .)
The most attractive Super Bowl match up is the Packers versus the Steelers. I think that’s the road destiny is leading us to.
All lines come from Danny Sheridan from the USA Today as of 1/19/11. Home team in CAPS.
STEELERS (-3 ½) vs. Jets
My dislike for the Jets continues to grow. The possibility that we could have a Mark Sanchez and Jay Cutler Super Bowl nauseates me.
The Jets have proven that they can go anywhere and win. Knocking out Manning and Brady in consecutive weeks is amazing. Adding Big Ben to the list would be nothing short of phenomenal . . . . . and then to beat Rodgers in the Super Bowl would be epic. It would be the most impressive road traveled to win a Super Bowl ever. We know they’re capable. I just keep waiting for the letdown. It hasn’t happened yet.
The difference between the Steelers and the Pats and Colts is that Ben Roethlisberger is evasive. He can scramble and create. Brady and Manning are two of the most immobile quarterbacks around. Ben will dazzle and make something out of nothing.
Steelers will need to get some kind of production from their run game. Regardless of the early results they can’t abandon it. If Mendenhall ends that game with 19 carries for 61 yards, that’s okay. Don’t give into the will of the Jets.
How do the matchups play out? Does Revis cover Wallace? I can’t wait for the first time that they send Wallace deep and Ben lofts the ball 55 yards through the air.
I expect a crisp game from Roethlisberger. I think we’ll see a lot of Heath Miller and Hines Ward.
Pittsburgh’s defense will be the difference in this game. Pittsburgh gave up 1,004 rushing on the season. #2 on the list? The Bears at 1,441. You can’t run on Pittsburgh.
Impact player for STEELERS: Troy Polamalu
Impact player for JETS: Santonio Holmes
PICK: STEELERS (-3 ½)
BEARS (+3 ½) vs. Packers
I stick by my pre-playoff assertion that Aaron Rodgers is beginning to structure his legend with this playoff run. He has proven they can control games even if their rushing attack is weak. This seems to be the team clicking on all cylinders right now.
The Bears MUST keep Rodgers off of the field. This means 5 to 8 minute scoring drives that result in points (or at the very least, field position). Third and longs and three and outs would kill the Bears. Matt Forte is the key to a Bears victory.
Did you know that Jay Cutler has the highest playoff winning percentage of all time (amongst quarterback’s with a minimum of one start)? He’s 1-0 baby.
Cutler, I won’t believe in you until you are being handed the Super Bowl trophy.
Impact player for BEARS: Matt Forte
Impact player for PACKERS: Clay Mathews
PICK: PACKERS (-3 ½)
Here’s how I view the best Super Bowl matchups.
1. Packers vs. Steelers
2. Bears vs. Steelers
3. Packers vs. Jets
4. Bears vs. Jets
(As the Jets continue to get no respect. . . . . .)
Tuesday, January 18
NCAA College Football Playoff Solution
In the 2010-2011 bowl season 35 bowl games were played. 35!!!!
There are 120 Division I football programs. 70 of them received a bowl bid. Significantly more than half of all teams “earned” the right to play in a bowl game. This is unnecessary, ridiculous and for the most part uninteresting.
How many of these 35 bowl games did you watch from start to finish? Not many.
College Football has the potential to have the most captivating post season of any sport. Here is my plan. This would maximize the interest and excitement during the bowl season.
I’ll be using the 2010-2011 football season to accommodate my model.
All schools would be asked to drop the 12th game from their schedule. This was added within the last couple of years. Getting rid of it shouldn’t be a big concern. There will be no in season bye weeks.
All teams would start their schedule on Week #1 (September 4th for this past season) and end on Week #11 (November 13th). Conference championship games can be done away with, BUT I have a feeling that would never happen. So these can be played on the weekend of November 20th. Army and Navy can play this same weekend.
There will be a 16 team tournament. The “plus one” game is nice and the top eight is better but nothing, I mean nothing, will match the intensity and excitement of a 16 team tournament.
The BCS standings can still be used to determine the top 16. There will be no arguments in this scenario. The #17 team can’t raise a fuss and say, “What about us? This isn’t fair.” The #17 team in the BCS standings at the end of the regular season was Texas A&M at 9-3. You’re pretty much guaranteed to be in the top 16 if you finish with 2 losses or less. Utah would have been the only 2 loss team not to make the tournament. This would have been fine by me. They lost their two games 47-7 and 28-3.
The bowl games would need to be separated in three tiers.
If we need to maintain 35 bowl games. Fine. The lowest tier would include all of the non-tournament games. By my count this would be 20 bowl games. You know the ones I’m talking about (R+L CARRIERS NEW ORLEANS BOWL, BEEF 'O' BRADY'S BOWL ST. PETERSBURG, SAN DIEGO COUNTY CREDIT UNION POINSETTIA, etc.).
There would be no Division I football from November 21st thru December 1st. The long Thanksgiving weekend would be filled with NFL, NBA and over the top HYPE for the tournament that will be beginning in December.
The 20 lower tiered bowl games would be played between December 2nd and December 10th. That’s 9 days to pack in 20 games. No problem.
There would be 8 second tier bowl games. This would be the first round of the tournament. All 8 of these games would be played on December 11th, and when it’s all said and done this would be the biggest day in college football for the whole year. 8 completely meaningful win or go home games. They would be spaced throughout the day. You could start them in hour intervals starting at noon. Theoretically you could watch the ending of all 8 games. 4 different television networks would have to be involved so the money would be there (ESPN, CBS, ABC, FOX).
I envision these 8 bowls to fit the bill:
Outback, Gator, Liberty, Chick-fil-A, Sun, Alamo, Champs Sports, Insight
The match ups would have looked like this:
#16 Alabama vs. #1 Auburn (Are you kidding me?)
#15 Nevada vs. #2 Oregon
#14 Oklahoma St. vs. #3 TCU
#13 Virginia Tech vs. #4 Stanford (Love it)
#12 Missouri vs. #5 Wisconsin
#11 LSU vs. #6 Ohio St. (Really?!!!!)
#10 Boise St. vs. #7 Oklahoma (Statue of Liberty rematch)
#9 Michigan St. vs. #8 Arkansas
At the end of the day we would have 8 teams left.
Now we get into the top tier bowl games. There are 6 and they can be rotated on a yearly basis. So at the end of a 6 year cycle each bowl game would have hosted a “Final Four” game twice.
The 6 top tier bowls: Rose, Fiesta, Orange, Sugar, Cotton and Capital One
On December 18th the next round would be played. 4 games. Each television station could carry a game and hype the hell out of it. The times the games would be played could be determined. I wouldn’t start any game within 2 hours of another.
When this day is over there would be a Final Four. 2 games to be played on December 25 (It only worked out to be Christmas in the 2010 calendar year). 4:30 and 8:30 start times. The highest bidding network gets these two games (along with the championship game).
The championship game would still be the Tostitos Title Game. The location could be rotated amongst the 6 top tier bowl locations, or they could treat it like the Super Bowl and play it in the biggest venues available (think Dallas or Indianapolis). This game would be played on January 1st. It would be the last game of the year and (depending upon how the dates line up on the calendar that specific year) the college season would be completed on or shortly after January 1st.
Perfect.
We have a righteous champion with absolutely no arguments. We have created a “must watch” frenzy only duplicated by the NCAA basketball tournament.
So how would the money work out?
All 11 football conferences would get an initial equal share. The major conferences (I count 6, maybe 7) would get an additional sum. Each conference (and school) would receive more if they made it to the tournament.
Let’s say each conference receives ($10 million dollars). The 6 or 7 major conferences would get $10 million more. The conferences would get $10 million more per each team it placed in the tournament. Each individual school would also get $10 million.
Everybody is getting a piece of the pie. The bigger conferences get a little more and you are rewarded (monetarily) for your success. I’m clueless about the actual dollar amounts, so I used $10 million as a nice round even number.
The Independent schools would NOT get an initial piece of the pie. Join a conference! They would, however, gain double if they make the tournament. They would receive $20 million (team and conference money combined).
Any school is capable of finishing in the top #16. This is not an impossible goal. As the system stands now it IS impossible for some (many) schools to win the national championship.
Currently 70 teams make a bowl game. In my model 56 teams would appear in the bowl games. I don’t think getting rid of the worst 14 bowl eligible teams would be tough. “Sorry, maybe next year you’ll go 7-4 instead of 6-5.”
The team that ends up winning the championship would be playing 4 extra games. This could be as many as 16 games for a team that has to play a conference championship as well (that’s why they can get rid of the conference championship games). In this model they would become meaningless.
The dollar amount allotments and games dates could be shuffled as needed. These are details that can be worked out by the powers that be. The important part is to make sure we have a 16 team, winner take all tournament in place.
Make it happen!!
There are 120 Division I football programs. 70 of them received a bowl bid. Significantly more than half of all teams “earned” the right to play in a bowl game. This is unnecessary, ridiculous and for the most part uninteresting.
How many of these 35 bowl games did you watch from start to finish? Not many.
College Football has the potential to have the most captivating post season of any sport. Here is my plan. This would maximize the interest and excitement during the bowl season.
I’ll be using the 2010-2011 football season to accommodate my model.
All schools would be asked to drop the 12th game from their schedule. This was added within the last couple of years. Getting rid of it shouldn’t be a big concern. There will be no in season bye weeks.
All teams would start their schedule on Week #1 (September 4th for this past season) and end on Week #11 (November 13th). Conference championship games can be done away with, BUT I have a feeling that would never happen. So these can be played on the weekend of November 20th. Army and Navy can play this same weekend.
There will be a 16 team tournament. The “plus one” game is nice and the top eight is better but nothing, I mean nothing, will match the intensity and excitement of a 16 team tournament.
The BCS standings can still be used to determine the top 16. There will be no arguments in this scenario. The #17 team can’t raise a fuss and say, “What about us? This isn’t fair.” The #17 team in the BCS standings at the end of the regular season was Texas A&M at 9-3. You’re pretty much guaranteed to be in the top 16 if you finish with 2 losses or less. Utah would have been the only 2 loss team not to make the tournament. This would have been fine by me. They lost their two games 47-7 and 28-3.
The bowl games would need to be separated in three tiers.
If we need to maintain 35 bowl games. Fine. The lowest tier would include all of the non-tournament games. By my count this would be 20 bowl games. You know the ones I’m talking about (R+L CARRIERS NEW ORLEANS BOWL, BEEF 'O' BRADY'S BOWL ST. PETERSBURG, SAN DIEGO COUNTY CREDIT UNION POINSETTIA, etc.).
There would be no Division I football from November 21st thru December 1st. The long Thanksgiving weekend would be filled with NFL, NBA and over the top HYPE for the tournament that will be beginning in December.
The 20 lower tiered bowl games would be played between December 2nd and December 10th. That’s 9 days to pack in 20 games. No problem.
There would be 8 second tier bowl games. This would be the first round of the tournament. All 8 of these games would be played on December 11th, and when it’s all said and done this would be the biggest day in college football for the whole year. 8 completely meaningful win or go home games. They would be spaced throughout the day. You could start them in hour intervals starting at noon. Theoretically you could watch the ending of all 8 games. 4 different television networks would have to be involved so the money would be there (ESPN, CBS, ABC, FOX).
I envision these 8 bowls to fit the bill:
Outback, Gator, Liberty, Chick-fil-A, Sun, Alamo, Champs Sports, Insight
The match ups would have looked like this:
#16 Alabama vs. #1 Auburn (Are you kidding me?)
#15 Nevada vs. #2 Oregon
#14 Oklahoma St. vs. #3 TCU
#13 Virginia Tech vs. #4 Stanford (Love it)
#12 Missouri vs. #5 Wisconsin
#11 LSU vs. #6 Ohio St. (Really?!!!!)
#10 Boise St. vs. #7 Oklahoma (Statue of Liberty rematch)
#9 Michigan St. vs. #8 Arkansas
At the end of the day we would have 8 teams left.
Now we get into the top tier bowl games. There are 6 and they can be rotated on a yearly basis. So at the end of a 6 year cycle each bowl game would have hosted a “Final Four” game twice.
The 6 top tier bowls: Rose, Fiesta, Orange, Sugar, Cotton and Capital One
On December 18th the next round would be played. 4 games. Each television station could carry a game and hype the hell out of it. The times the games would be played could be determined. I wouldn’t start any game within 2 hours of another.
When this day is over there would be a Final Four. 2 games to be played on December 25 (It only worked out to be Christmas in the 2010 calendar year). 4:30 and 8:30 start times. The highest bidding network gets these two games (along with the championship game).
The championship game would still be the Tostitos Title Game. The location could be rotated amongst the 6 top tier bowl locations, or they could treat it like the Super Bowl and play it in the biggest venues available (think Dallas or Indianapolis). This game would be played on January 1st. It would be the last game of the year and (depending upon how the dates line up on the calendar that specific year) the college season would be completed on or shortly after January 1st.
Perfect.
We have a righteous champion with absolutely no arguments. We have created a “must watch” frenzy only duplicated by the NCAA basketball tournament.
So how would the money work out?
All 11 football conferences would get an initial equal share. The major conferences (I count 6, maybe 7) would get an additional sum. Each conference (and school) would receive more if they made it to the tournament.
Let’s say each conference receives ($10 million dollars). The 6 or 7 major conferences would get $10 million more. The conferences would get $10 million more per each team it placed in the tournament. Each individual school would also get $10 million.
Everybody is getting a piece of the pie. The bigger conferences get a little more and you are rewarded (monetarily) for your success. I’m clueless about the actual dollar amounts, so I used $10 million as a nice round even number.
The Independent schools would NOT get an initial piece of the pie. Join a conference! They would, however, gain double if they make the tournament. They would receive $20 million (team and conference money combined).
Any school is capable of finishing in the top #16. This is not an impossible goal. As the system stands now it IS impossible for some (many) schools to win the national championship.
Currently 70 teams make a bowl game. In my model 56 teams would appear in the bowl games. I don’t think getting rid of the worst 14 bowl eligible teams would be tough. “Sorry, maybe next year you’ll go 7-4 instead of 6-5.”
The team that ends up winning the championship would be playing 4 extra games. This could be as many as 16 games for a team that has to play a conference championship as well (that’s why they can get rid of the conference championship games). In this model they would become meaningless.
The dollar amount allotments and games dates could be shuffled as needed. These are details that can be worked out by the powers that be. The important part is to make sure we have a 16 team, winner take all tournament in place.
Make it happen!!
Monday, January 17
Divisional Round Thoughts
1. My old baseball coach always used to use the phrase, “Act like you’ve been there before.” My old DIVISION III baseball coach used to say that. I did not care for the Jets lack of professionalism after their win in New England. From Shonn Greene’s touchdown celebration to Braylon Edwards’ Ozzie Smith flip. If you go to ESPN.com right now you’ll see a picture of Santonio Holmes and Braylon Edwards with their arms fully extended (like Jets) . . . . . . . like 8 year olds. I thought it lacked respect and class, but that seems to be the Jets mantra right now.
2. I counted at least two times that the Jets (at least to me) faked an injury to slow up the hurry up tempo of New England. One was very early in the game and one was very late. One of my biggest pet peeves about watching NFL games is when a player gets hurt. The world stops. Trainers are at his side. Commentators are concerned. The flow of the game is stopped and they take it to commercial. Once they return from commercial the camera is on the player who now appears to be fine. He sits out the one obligatory play and is back on the field. I don’t wish anyone harm, BUT if you’re hurt enough to take this game to a commercial break YOU BETTER BE HURT.
3. The stats on the Patriots/Jets game are staggering. First downs, total yards and time of possession are all in favor of New England. So how did the Jets win this game? Sacks. They sacked Brady 5 times and threw him completely off his game. Brady didn’t play poorly, but he certainly didn’t have the same cadence he normally has.
4. DROPPED BALL alert – Deion Branch. Yes, it was thrown a little behind you but you had both of your mitts on it. The ball must be caught.
5. Shonn Greene breaks free with an easy run for a touchdown at the end of the game. By him running in and scoring that left a chance for New England to win the game (not a good chance, but a chance nonetheless). If he falls down at the 3 yard line and takes a knee he leaves the Patriots a 0% chance of winning the game. We’ve seen other running backs do this over the last few years. Greene decided to score the touchdown, act like a fool and get a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty.
6. Bottom line – Jets won.
7. Too little too late Seahawks. 3 points through 3 quarters. Really?
8. I know Mike Williams had 2 touchdown catches (one of which was really amazing) but I just wasn’t impressed with him on the game as a whole. He only had 4 receptions for 15 yards. Hasselbeck threw the ball 46 times. Williams needed to come up bigger on many of those possessions.
9. Jay Cutler gets a stay of execution. Bears fans are scared though. Have you ever gone out for a night of friendly drinking with your buddies but you have that one friend who always gets into a fight once he’s drank too much? And you wait for it, you dread it, you know it’s coming, the longer you're out the more you fear it. Cutler was last seen doing Tequila shots in the corner by himself Bears fans.
10. 176 rushing yards for the Bears. The rushing attack must be maintained to be able to keep the Packers off of the field next week.
11. Seattle’s leader rusher? Golden Tate, 1 carry for 13 yards.
12. NFC Championship game Green Bay at Chicago. The NFL is very happy right now.
13. Aaron Rodgers is playing out of his mind (as I predicted). A 136.8 passer rating on the game. Wow!
14. How bad would this game have been IF Greg Jennings doesn’t fumble that ball after the long completion in the 1st quarter (the Falcons scored off that) and if Weems doesn’t return the kick off 102 yards for a touchdown? This game could have easily been one of the all time playoff embarrassments.
15. Falcons need a weapon that can stretch the field on offense.
16. The Packer’s defense produced 5 sacks, 2 interceptions and 1 touchdown. Oh, and they didn’t punt once all game. Look out Chicago.
17. DROPPED PASS alert – Anquan Bolden AND T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Inexcusable! Right off your chests, both of you.
18. Steelers win the second half 24-3. Way to protect that 14 point half time lead Baltimore.
19. 126 total yards, 12 first downs, 3 turnovers, 5 sacks given up. The Ravens have a TON to think about during the off season. I mean, a TON.
20. Roethlisberger gets sacked at the end of the first quarter. The ball jumps ahead a few yards. It appeared as if he was throwing it and his arm was going forward. Except he wasn’t. The whistle never blew. Shame on EVERY GUY on both teams that quit on that play. Only after a few seconds of ambiguity did Redding scoop up the ball and run it in for a touchdown. Was a whistle ever blown? You play to the whistle!
21. What’s most unimpressive, Flacco’s 125 yards passing, Rice’s 32 yards rushing or Bolden’s 1 catch for -2 yards?
22. Against the Chiefs the Ravens only had 7 completions to their wide receivers. Against the Steelers? 4 (for 36 yards).
2. I counted at least two times that the Jets (at least to me) faked an injury to slow up the hurry up tempo of New England. One was very early in the game and one was very late. One of my biggest pet peeves about watching NFL games is when a player gets hurt. The world stops. Trainers are at his side. Commentators are concerned. The flow of the game is stopped and they take it to commercial. Once they return from commercial the camera is on the player who now appears to be fine. He sits out the one obligatory play and is back on the field. I don’t wish anyone harm, BUT if you’re hurt enough to take this game to a commercial break YOU BETTER BE HURT.
3. The stats on the Patriots/Jets game are staggering. First downs, total yards and time of possession are all in favor of New England. So how did the Jets win this game? Sacks. They sacked Brady 5 times and threw him completely off his game. Brady didn’t play poorly, but he certainly didn’t have the same cadence he normally has.
4. DROPPED BALL alert – Deion Branch. Yes, it was thrown a little behind you but you had both of your mitts on it. The ball must be caught.
5. Shonn Greene breaks free with an easy run for a touchdown at the end of the game. By him running in and scoring that left a chance for New England to win the game (not a good chance, but a chance nonetheless). If he falls down at the 3 yard line and takes a knee he leaves the Patriots a 0% chance of winning the game. We’ve seen other running backs do this over the last few years. Greene decided to score the touchdown, act like a fool and get a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty.
6. Bottom line – Jets won.
7. Too little too late Seahawks. 3 points through 3 quarters. Really?
8. I know Mike Williams had 2 touchdown catches (one of which was really amazing) but I just wasn’t impressed with him on the game as a whole. He only had 4 receptions for 15 yards. Hasselbeck threw the ball 46 times. Williams needed to come up bigger on many of those possessions.
9. Jay Cutler gets a stay of execution. Bears fans are scared though. Have you ever gone out for a night of friendly drinking with your buddies but you have that one friend who always gets into a fight once he’s drank too much? And you wait for it, you dread it, you know it’s coming, the longer you're out the more you fear it. Cutler was last seen doing Tequila shots in the corner by himself Bears fans.
10. 176 rushing yards for the Bears. The rushing attack must be maintained to be able to keep the Packers off of the field next week.
11. Seattle’s leader rusher? Golden Tate, 1 carry for 13 yards.
12. NFC Championship game Green Bay at Chicago. The NFL is very happy right now.
13. Aaron Rodgers is playing out of his mind (as I predicted). A 136.8 passer rating on the game. Wow!
14. How bad would this game have been IF Greg Jennings doesn’t fumble that ball after the long completion in the 1st quarter (the Falcons scored off that) and if Weems doesn’t return the kick off 102 yards for a touchdown? This game could have easily been one of the all time playoff embarrassments.
15. Falcons need a weapon that can stretch the field on offense.
16. The Packer’s defense produced 5 sacks, 2 interceptions and 1 touchdown. Oh, and they didn’t punt once all game. Look out Chicago.
17. DROPPED PASS alert – Anquan Bolden AND T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Inexcusable! Right off your chests, both of you.
18. Steelers win the second half 24-3. Way to protect that 14 point half time lead Baltimore.
19. 126 total yards, 12 first downs, 3 turnovers, 5 sacks given up. The Ravens have a TON to think about during the off season. I mean, a TON.
20. Roethlisberger gets sacked at the end of the first quarter. The ball jumps ahead a few yards. It appeared as if he was throwing it and his arm was going forward. Except he wasn’t. The whistle never blew. Shame on EVERY GUY on both teams that quit on that play. Only after a few seconds of ambiguity did Redding scoop up the ball and run it in for a touchdown. Was a whistle ever blown? You play to the whistle!
21. What’s most unimpressive, Flacco’s 125 yards passing, Rice’s 32 yards rushing or Bolden’s 1 catch for -2 yards?
22. Against the Chiefs the Ravens only had 7 completions to their wide receivers. Against the Steelers? 4 (for 36 yards).
Thursday, January 13
NFL All NAME Team
You can keep your “All-Pro” team or your “All-Madden” team. I have a better one. It’s the “All Name” team.
What are the requirements for making this prestigious team? Simple. Have a name that is goofy, ridiculously awful or just rolls off the tongue like candy saturated spit.
All names were derived from rosters taken from the ESPN.com web site.
OFFENSE
QB – Tyler Thigpen (Dolphins)
RB – Jehuu Caulcrick (Bills)
RB – Kregg Lumpkin (Bucs)
FB – Fui Vakapuna (Bengals)
WR – Duke Calhoun (Giants)
WR – Legedu Naanee (Chargers)
WR – Jerricho Cotchery (Jets)
TE – Bear Pascoe (Giants)
TE – Fendi Onobun (Rams)
C – Tanner Purdum (Jets)
G – Zane Beadles (Broncos)
G – Deuce Lutui (Cardinals)
T – Guy Whimper (Jaguars)
T – King Dunlap (Eagles)
T – Jermon Bushrod (Saints)
DEFENSE
DE – Frostee Rucker (Bengals)
DE – Ziggy Hood (Steelers)
DT – Domata Peko (Bengals)
DT – Ko Quaye (Browns)
DT – Leger Douzable (Jaguars)
LB – Xavier Adibi (Texans)
LB – Slade Norris (Jaguars)
LB – Brady Poppinga (Packers)
LB – Coy Wire (Falcons)
CB – Cassius Vaughn (Broncos)
CB – Macho Harris (Redskins)
CB – Captain Munnerlyn (Panthers)
S – Tuff Harris (Steelers)
S – Atari Bigby (Packers)
SPECIAL TEAMS
K – Olindo Mare (Seahawks)
P – Sav Rocca (Eagles)
There you have it.
The offensive tackles are by far my favorite group.
What positions had the most names to consider?
LB – 23
DT – 14
WR – 13
What position has the most ordinary (lamest) names? QB, and even Tyler Thigpen isn’t that great.
So, what is to be learned from all of this?
I need to open up the playbook a little bit on the naming of my future sons. I will open up the medicine cabinet and reach for the stars.
DayQuil Dumas – There is a future linebacker in the NFL.
Anacin Dumas – He’s catching 97 passes and making the Pro-bowl.
Coricidin Dumas – A run stopping beast that plugs up the middle of the D-line.
What are the requirements for making this prestigious team? Simple. Have a name that is goofy, ridiculously awful or just rolls off the tongue like candy saturated spit.
All names were derived from rosters taken from the ESPN.com web site.
OFFENSE
QB – Tyler Thigpen (Dolphins)
RB – Jehuu Caulcrick (Bills)
RB – Kregg Lumpkin (Bucs)
FB – Fui Vakapuna (Bengals)
WR – Duke Calhoun (Giants)
WR – Legedu Naanee (Chargers)
WR – Jerricho Cotchery (Jets)
TE – Bear Pascoe (Giants)
TE – Fendi Onobun (Rams)
C – Tanner Purdum (Jets)
G – Zane Beadles (Broncos)
G – Deuce Lutui (Cardinals)
T – Guy Whimper (Jaguars)
T – King Dunlap (Eagles)
T – Jermon Bushrod (Saints)
DEFENSE
DE – Frostee Rucker (Bengals)
DE – Ziggy Hood (Steelers)
DT – Domata Peko (Bengals)
DT – Ko Quaye (Browns)
DT – Leger Douzable (Jaguars)
LB – Xavier Adibi (Texans)
LB – Slade Norris (Jaguars)
LB – Brady Poppinga (Packers)
LB – Coy Wire (Falcons)
CB – Cassius Vaughn (Broncos)
CB – Macho Harris (Redskins)
CB – Captain Munnerlyn (Panthers)
S – Tuff Harris (Steelers)
S – Atari Bigby (Packers)
SPECIAL TEAMS
K – Olindo Mare (Seahawks)
P – Sav Rocca (Eagles)
There you have it.
The offensive tackles are by far my favorite group.
What positions had the most names to consider?
LB – 23
DT – 14
WR – 13
What position has the most ordinary (lamest) names? QB, and even Tyler Thigpen isn’t that great.
So, what is to be learned from all of this?
I need to open up the playbook a little bit on the naming of my future sons. I will open up the medicine cabinet and reach for the stars.
DayQuil Dumas – There is a future linebacker in the NFL.
Anacin Dumas – He’s catching 97 passes and making the Pro-bowl.
Coricidin Dumas – A run stopping beast that plugs up the middle of the D-line.
Wednesday, January 12
2011 NFL Divisional Picks
Yikes. Last week I was 1-3. Some of my predictions and impact players were right on the money. Some were dead wrong. Chiefs! The letters “w – t – f” were invented to describe what happened at Arrowhead last week. Nobody really believed you were a playoff team. Way to prove them absolutely correct. Has any playoff team ever won two straight games being a double digit underdog in both? How ‘bout making some history, Seattle.
This week is all about redemption . . . and POINTS. I’m taking the points in all 4 games.
All lines come from Danny Sheridan from the USA Today as of 1/12/11. Home team in CAPS.
STEELERS (-3 ½) vs. Ravens
Does anyone really know how this game is going to play out? Playing a playoff game in Pittsburgh is dangerous for any road team. The Ravens held the ball for 42 minutes and only gave up 8 first downs against the Chiefs last week. They did this with “no shows” out of Mason and Houshmandzadeh. Flacco only had 7 completions to his wide receivers against the Chiefs. He needs to get them involved. They’re going to have to be able to stretch the field against the Steelers. Don’t look for Todd Heap to have another 10 catch game. The Chief’s safeties were playing in the parking lot last week. Polamalu won’t be.
Both teams will want to run the ball. Both teams have excellent run defenses. This game will come down to a third down conversion here, a missed field goal there. I’m not sure who wins, but I do think it will be closer than 3 points. I’ll take the Ravens and the points.
Impact player for STEELERS: Mike Wallace
Impact player for RAVENS: Ed Reed
PICK: RAVENS (+3 ½)
FALCONS (-2) vs. Packers
The winner of this game is looking like the Super Bowl favorite for the NFC. Atlanta is near impossible to beat at home. They have big time players at the right positions (Ryan, Turner and White). Is it possible their eyes lit up when the Saints got beat last week and they’re now thinking their run to the Super Bowl just got that much easier? Don’t overlook the Packers.
I’m sticking by my claim that Aaron Rodgers will continue to rise to the top as the playoffs continue. If James Starks can come close to duplicating his performance from last week the Packers are going to be in excellent shape.
Packers cover. Packers win. I believe they are Super Bowl bound.
Impact player for FALCONS: Roddy White
Impact player for PACKERS: Aaron Rodgers (It’s obvious, I know. . . but it’s true)
PICK: PACKERS (+2)
BEARS (-10) vs. Seahawks
10 points? Do I fall for this again? I predict that one of these teams totally underperforms in this game. I mean epically underperforms (think Chiefs last week). I just don’t know which one. Will Cutler show his true colors? Can the Bears D propel them to the NFC Championship game? Will Seattle continue to live on a wing and prayer? I think the Packers/Falcons game on Saturday night will have everything to do with this game. If the Packers win the Seahawks know they’ll be hosting the NFC Championship game with a victory. Since I am picking a Packers win, I have to go along with that rationale.
I’m just not feeling the Bears (sorry Joe). I don’t love their ground game, their receivers are below average and their quarterback is capable of throwing 3 interceptions faster than Snooki can down a bottle of Goldschlager.
Did you know that all nine of the Seahawks losses were by more than two touchdowns? (17, 17, 30, 34, 15, 18, 19, 16 and 23 points) This means we should have a pretty good idea by halftime if the Seahawks are going to win this game (or at least cover).
Get ‘em fired up, Pete Carroll. If you win this game I may start taking your coaching abilities a little more seriously. It’ll take a while to wash that Trojan stink off of you.
Impact player for BEARS: Matt Forte
Impact player for SEAHAWKS: Marcus Trufant (He had only one INT this season. I think he gets at least one in this game.)
PICK: SEAHAWKS (+10)
PATRIOTS (-9) vs. Jets
If I wasn’t a Cowboy’s fan, I’d be a Patriots fan. I love everything about them. Brady is precision personified. They have scrappy “no name” players on offense and defense that find a way to get the job done. They are the perfect football machine.
The only thing I can see working against the Patriots is the two week break. I know it gives them the opportunity to rest up and get healthy. It also gives them the opportunity to fall out of the ass-whoopin’ gear they’ve been stuck in.
I wonder if the Jets are still chewing on the 45-3 debacle handed to them by the Patriots last month. If I’m Rex Ryan I’d have this game streamlined into the home of every Jets player. Put it on every channel. Just loop it over and over and over again. Why not?
Like always the Jets need to run the ball effectively and they need to have Sanchez channel is inner Ken O’Brien to play an above average game.
I like the Patriots in this game BUT I think 9 points is too many for a Jets team hell bent on sticking it to Brady and Belichick. I’ll take the points.
Impact player for PATRIOTS: Rob Gronkowski
Impact player for JETS: Shonn Greene
PICK: JETS (+9)
This week is all about redemption . . . and POINTS. I’m taking the points in all 4 games.
All lines come from Danny Sheridan from the USA Today as of 1/12/11. Home team in CAPS.
STEELERS (-3 ½) vs. Ravens
Does anyone really know how this game is going to play out? Playing a playoff game in Pittsburgh is dangerous for any road team. The Ravens held the ball for 42 minutes and only gave up 8 first downs against the Chiefs last week. They did this with “no shows” out of Mason and Houshmandzadeh. Flacco only had 7 completions to his wide receivers against the Chiefs. He needs to get them involved. They’re going to have to be able to stretch the field against the Steelers. Don’t look for Todd Heap to have another 10 catch game. The Chief’s safeties were playing in the parking lot last week. Polamalu won’t be.
Both teams will want to run the ball. Both teams have excellent run defenses. This game will come down to a third down conversion here, a missed field goal there. I’m not sure who wins, but I do think it will be closer than 3 points. I’ll take the Ravens and the points.
Impact player for STEELERS: Mike Wallace
Impact player for RAVENS: Ed Reed
PICK: RAVENS (+3 ½)
FALCONS (-2) vs. Packers
The winner of this game is looking like the Super Bowl favorite for the NFC. Atlanta is near impossible to beat at home. They have big time players at the right positions (Ryan, Turner and White). Is it possible their eyes lit up when the Saints got beat last week and they’re now thinking their run to the Super Bowl just got that much easier? Don’t overlook the Packers.
I’m sticking by my claim that Aaron Rodgers will continue to rise to the top as the playoffs continue. If James Starks can come close to duplicating his performance from last week the Packers are going to be in excellent shape.
Packers cover. Packers win. I believe they are Super Bowl bound.
Impact player for FALCONS: Roddy White
Impact player for PACKERS: Aaron Rodgers (It’s obvious, I know. . . but it’s true)
PICK: PACKERS (+2)
BEARS (-10) vs. Seahawks
10 points? Do I fall for this again? I predict that one of these teams totally underperforms in this game. I mean epically underperforms (think Chiefs last week). I just don’t know which one. Will Cutler show his true colors? Can the Bears D propel them to the NFC Championship game? Will Seattle continue to live on a wing and prayer? I think the Packers/Falcons game on Saturday night will have everything to do with this game. If the Packers win the Seahawks know they’ll be hosting the NFC Championship game with a victory. Since I am picking a Packers win, I have to go along with that rationale.
I’m just not feeling the Bears (sorry Joe). I don’t love their ground game, their receivers are below average and their quarterback is capable of throwing 3 interceptions faster than Snooki can down a bottle of Goldschlager.
Did you know that all nine of the Seahawks losses were by more than two touchdowns? (17, 17, 30, 34, 15, 18, 19, 16 and 23 points) This means we should have a pretty good idea by halftime if the Seahawks are going to win this game (or at least cover).
Get ‘em fired up, Pete Carroll. If you win this game I may start taking your coaching abilities a little more seriously. It’ll take a while to wash that Trojan stink off of you.
Impact player for BEARS: Matt Forte
Impact player for SEAHAWKS: Marcus Trufant (He had only one INT this season. I think he gets at least one in this game.)
PICK: SEAHAWKS (+10)
PATRIOTS (-9) vs. Jets
If I wasn’t a Cowboy’s fan, I’d be a Patriots fan. I love everything about them. Brady is precision personified. They have scrappy “no name” players on offense and defense that find a way to get the job done. They are the perfect football machine.
The only thing I can see working against the Patriots is the two week break. I know it gives them the opportunity to rest up and get healthy. It also gives them the opportunity to fall out of the ass-whoopin’ gear they’ve been stuck in.
I wonder if the Jets are still chewing on the 45-3 debacle handed to them by the Patriots last month. If I’m Rex Ryan I’d have this game streamlined into the home of every Jets player. Put it on every channel. Just loop it over and over and over again. Why not?
Like always the Jets need to run the ball effectively and they need to have Sanchez channel is inner Ken O’Brien to play an above average game.
I like the Patriots in this game BUT I think 9 points is too many for a Jets team hell bent on sticking it to Brady and Belichick. I’ll take the points.
Impact player for PATRIOTS: Rob Gronkowski
Impact player for JETS: Shonn Greene
PICK: JETS (+9)
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